Teenage daughter calls out parent's 27 yo polyamorous roommate; 'Don't F&%#G act like my mommy.' AITA? SATISFYING UPDATE
When this teenage girl is baffled by her parents' poly partner's inappropriate behavior, she asks Reddit:
"My parent's poly secondary partner has taken their relationship with me too far. AITA?"
My (16F) parents (36 each) became poly 4 years ago, they came to me and explained what it meant to be that, they've been dating the same person (Maddison, 27F) for the past three years and she moved in with us 2 years ago.
She's overall an okay-ish person, but she's very much into being some kind of ''cool mom'' which she will never be for me. My parents relationship with Maddison is very serious, both of my families know her and while not everyone accepts her as a ''real'' part of their marriage, they're okay with her too.
For me, she's more like a roommate my parents love rather that a parent figure or someone I have to listen (My dad's is okay with her trying to discipline me, but my mom is not.)
Well two days ago my boyfriend walked me home and I invited him to have a piece of cake since my mom's birthday was the day before and he couldn't come...
he said yes and we went inside and that's honestly everything we did, Maddison came an hour after and we were still in the kitchen, eating and watching tiktoks together, I had my head on his shoulder and we were just chilling.
She saw us and began to act very weird, she said hi and drank a glass of water, but after 10 minutes she just stood there pretending to watch her phone, but it was pretty obvious she was watching us.
My boyfriend felt uncomfortable and he said his goodbyes. When Maddison and I were left alone, she approached me saying it wasn't okay for me being alone with a boy at 16 and that she would appreciate I don't do it again.
I was honestly shocked, my parents know my boyfriend pretty well and more than that, they know me, and I would never betray their trust by doing something I'm not allowed yet just because I was alone, she wanted to keep talking but I cut her off...
and said that she had no right to try to give me ''the talk'' and she wasn't my parent in any form to try to parent me or give me unsolicited advice, she said she was just trying to help me...
but I said she better not and any concern she had, she could talk it to my REAL parents and if they see it fit, they will talk to me, but just because she was dating them both didn't make her f-g mommy two and I went to my room.
This morning, while my dad drove me to school, he said Maddison talked to both of them and my mom decided she overstepped, but that he agreed with her and he would appreciate a heads up when my boyfriend and I are alone and...
that if it was oaky for me, I could apologize, but I said I didn't feel like it and he said he was disappointed.
Before we give you OP's update, let's read some of the top responses:
hihola writes:
NTA. This poor kid, that’s awful. Also, wtf was Maddison’s problem? Pearl clutching over OOP having her head on her bf’s shoulder while unsupervised, when she’s living in her home and banging BOTH her parents!
This is just pure selfishness on the part of OOP’s parents. They wanted to have a poly relationship- that is up to them, but they are parents, and that should be their first responsibility until their kid can take care of themselves.
Did they not consider how big a change this was for their daughter, who was only 12, to move their new shared partner into their home? Why wasn’t her role discussed?
Why does their sex partner have to be part of their child’s family? Maybe they did care about her, but as soon as she became inconvenient they got rid of her pretty quickly - 2 weeks notice! I’d be giving a partner I love more time than that to move out, because I’d want them to be settled and ok!
excelpaper writes:
Sounds like the parents were having marital issues (poor communication) & jumped on Madison. Single parents are shamed for not introducing their new partners to their kids slowly & moving them in at a reasonable pace, this couple introduced the 13 yr old to Madison as they moved Madison in.
Never helped their child or Madison navigate the relationship by giving everyone clear consistent boundaries. Dad prioritised Madison & when he realised his Wife & daughter were against him threw Madison to the wolves claiming he'd wanted out for a while.
Even though from their kids perspective, the Mum was the only parent she trusted 100% always, she'd noticed Dad would disagree with Mum for Madison. And the parents still have marital issues. Finally heading into counselling.
majesticbeast writes:
Im sorry, but I think “poly relationships” are such bullshit. I have never heard of one that worked out. I try to be open and understanding, but when someone else ends up getting hurt by it, like in this case OOP, I just get so pissed.
Its hard enough to give sufficient love and care to 1 partner, their is no way you can successfully manage multiple, as OOP’s dad found out the hard way.
If its just a sex thing I can understand, but moving another person into your home so that they can be a full part of your relationship is just a disaster waiting to happen, especially when you have a young kid.
I sincerely hope that couples counseling helps OOP’s parents understand what they want in life, because they really need to take a good long look at why they felt the need to bring an outsider into their home and relationship.
butterflyisland writes:
I'm a step parent to a teen, I'm old enough to be their mother, but I know that I don't have as much of a say in parenting because I didn't create this child and they have a mother. I also have to be flexible because this kid has been parented a certain way for years before I came along and I can't completely change the rules they've grown up with.
Maddison is definitely in the wrong for thinking she has full parental control over this teen. Things should have been agreed on before bringing Maddison into the house. The parents don't seem to have a handle on ethical non-monogamy.
I'm glad that this ended well for OOP but I feel bad that her parents effed this situation up for years and that OOP was uncomfortable in her own home when she hadn't done anything wrong.
slothunicorn writes:
Imagine polyamorous parents being upset with their 16 year old daughter for… hanging out alone with her boyfriend. Yikes. The hypocrisy. Even if OOP was having sex with her BF, so what? That’s a normal and completely healthy thing for two teens to do (provided it’s consensual etc.).
These Parents: We’re going to move our significantly younger fbuddy into our home. Nobody, least of all our child, should have any problem with that!
Also These Parents: I am shocked, SHOCKED I tell you at the thought of my teenage daughter spending time alone with her romantic partner.
fussybritchesmama writes:
I am reading this differently. Dad saying he is tired of trying to please two women is telling. Mom loving Madison more is also telling.
I think Dad is a peacekeeper. I think Madison was snitching on the Mom in addition to snitching on OP. Dad was non-confrontational and putting up with Madison's shit for the sake of the wife.
When mom objected to Madison's behavior, dad was probably relieved, which is why they kicked her out so quickly. Total lack of communication between the parents. I wouldn't be surprised if they both said, "I was putting up with Madison for YOU!"
My late husband and I had a similar discussion about a cabin he inherited. We both hated it, but thought the other loved it.
Also, Madison was playing the long con, driving a wedge between dad and mom, dad and OP. She grossly over estimated her worth in the relationship.
oceletcontrol writes:
I am so so sorry your parents put you in that position. I have absolutely no idea why they thought it appropriate to allow their mutual sexual partner to become a member of your household. I hope their counselor reams them out for that.
I am glad you felt comfortable enough to bring it up & instigate change.Your parents should NEVER have put you in the position of witnessing their personal, adult lives.
If your parents ever try this shit again tell them it's none of your business & they need to put you first b/c you're still an adolescent. When you move out they can be as open as they want, but right now it's your life & your home.
ratpeople writes:
Uhm OP's parents are 36, dating a 27 yo who lives with them and their 16 yo daughter, a daughter who is apparently more mature than all three of the adults? JFC give this girl two years to move out and go to college, then explore a new lifestyle.
Or at least explore it where you aren't inviting a new person to LIVE with you and your daughter without even discussing any boundaries. The parents should have considered whether this was actually a healthy or good idea themselves, not just ask their teenager "he you cool with this?"
Also, the fact that Maddison moved out and went to live with her parents makes it seem like she doesn't really have her own shit together and was looking for a fun time and a place to live. Maybe she felt insecure being so young so decided to "discipline" the 16 yo, ie snoop on her and tattle to the parents...
unsolicited7 writes:
The best outcome there could be: parents listening to their child and admitting to their mistakes. It’s not that complicated, yet it’s so hard for most people. I get that Maddison was hurt for being broken up with, and maybe wasn’t thinking right, but glaring at a child for her parents picking her over a girlfriend?
If it wasn’t clear she doesn’t need that kind of person in her life before, being that kind of childish on the way out instead of apologizing makes it perfectly clear she needed to go.
And now, OP's update, which essentially resolves the situation:
ETA: I have a lot of message, thank you everyone for worrying about me, I'm fine! I'm answering everyone right now and letting them now about the update! As I said, I did notice yesterday that my post was down, but I was honestly so, so tired, that I fell asleep as soon as I could, sorry for worrying you!
Hello, I'm sorry for not posting or saying anything anymore yesterday. Per my last update, around 5:00 pm my mom got home and 30-or-so later I asked my dad and her if we could talk, Maddison was at the gym so we just sat on the couch and I was honest.
I told my mom what my dad had said in the morning ride and I confessed to my dad that it was unfair that just because Maddison thought that it was ''improper'' of us [my bf and I] to be alone in the house he suddenly changes the game.
I've always been completely honest with them, and I reminded them so, I said that, as soon as we got home, I sent them a text telling them that I was already here and that my bf was over, AND HE SAID NOTHING THERE.
I also told them that I didn't feel comfortable with Maddison living here and that maybe, I never was, but I was so young to understand what it really meant to have poly parents and while I don't really care for their romantic life...
ever since Maddison ''snitched'' on me had made me feel like walking over eggshells in my own house and that my dad saying ''he was disappointed'' felt like Maddison matters more than me in the house.
I've always been a loner, always, I spend time with my parents, yes, but I love to be alone in my room, in the kitchen, in the living room doing my own stuff, I've never had to hide for anything, but Maddison proved that whatever she doesn't like or she thinks I shouldn't be doing...
she'll spy and tell and it wasn't fair, because while Maddison is nothing to me and he opinion doesn't matter, I've proved to them that I can be trusted and that I don't do things like that behind their back.
While saying that my voice cracked, and my dad came to my side and hugged me, saying that he was so, so sorry and that I was right. He apologized again for the way he acted in the car and that he should've never said he was disappointed because he wasn't...
that he couldn't have asked for a better kid and that he felt so bad for hurting me to the point I had to talk to them alone, he hugged me and my mom just looked at him and said they had to talk to Maddison...
alone, because she has said countless of times that she doesn't appreciate her ''giving advice'' or thinking she was some kind of ''responsibility'' over me, she also said that I never, ever have to walk on eggshells here because this is my house and will forever be my house, and if I didn't act shamefully...
then I don't have to be ashamed and gave me a kiss on the forehead. She asked me to call my bf so they could apologize to him to and gave us some money to go to Starbucks for a few hours and so we did.
I honestly don't know everything that happened between them and Maddison, but my dad said that he was tired of having to ''please'' to women in his life and that whatever right he did for mom, was a wrong for Maddison...
and vice versa and that for a while, he has wanted to break that relationship but wasn't sure if my mom wanted to because, despite not agreeing in parenting choices, my mom loved her a lot and it showed.
But my mom said she was done too, and they will be attending couples counseling and see where it gets them, they also gave Maddison 2 weeks to move out, but she was already packing when I got home and she went to stay with her parents. She glared at me once and apart from that, didn't even look at me again. So I guess there's that.
That's the UPDATE, my parents broke up with Maddison and I got to talk to them. It's really weird not having her around but I really like it, my mom read the post and some of the responses, my dad decided not to since everything was settled.
After reading the post my mom also apologized for bringing Maddison in with me so young and while I said I didn't really mind, she said sorry. Thanks everyone for your support!