Happy anniversary from someone you're probably shocked knew it was your anniversary
I feel so lucky to have remembered our anniversary
Congratulations on defying marriage statistics
I want to grow old and disgusting with you
Happy anniversary to a couple who almost never make me physically ill
I can't remember our song
I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you
Thanks for always staying faithful to me to my knowledge
You're getting better at reading my mind
You've officially earned access to every orifice
My favorite base is still first
I've grown to accept the ridiculous choices you make
I still dislike the taste of your semen
Even when we're 80 I will do you from behind
If I still had a soul, you'd be its mate
I'd like to give a shout-out to our couples therapist
Let's break out the special lube tonight
Here's to another however many years we've been married
Today's a perfect day to belittle our single friends
Today we celebrate our codependence
Lets enjoy the first days of spring watching college basketball in a windowless bar
I'm worried your complete ignorance of college basketball gives you a decided advantage in the office pool
It would be a tragic waste of talent if you didn't enter every conceivable spring break wet t-shirt contest
I can't wait to act like sluts in an environment where no one knows what sluts we are
On my death bed, I want to remember the great naps I took
I can't help but wonder what real Jews are doing today
Don't let the fact that Obama became president without having a father in his life make you feel unimportant this Father's Day
Best of luck this Thanksgiving to a newly hardcore germophobe
