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    Let's celebrate the day you gave up on finding anyone better than me.

    Let's celebrate the day you gave up on finding anyone better than me

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    Today marks the first anniversary of me remembering when your anniversary is.

    Today marks the first anniversary of me remembering when your anniversary is

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    I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you.

    I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you

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    Congratulations on defying marriage statistics.

    Congratulations on defying marriage statistics

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    Even when we're 80 I will do you from behind.

    Even when we're 80 I will do you from behind

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    If I still had a soul, you'd be its mate.

    If I still had a soul, you'd be its mate

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    Here's to another year of me pretending to like your significant other.

    Here's to another year of me pretending to like your significant other

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    My favorite base is still first.

    My favorite base is still first

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    Let's never give up on trying to change each other.

    Let's never give up on trying to change each other

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    You've officially earned access to every orifice.

    You've officially earned access to every orifice

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    Your anniversary is a sobering reminder that the last time I got laid was at your wedding.

    Your anniversary is a sobering reminder that the last time I got laid was at your wedding

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    Here's to another year of staying together for the kids.

    Here's to another year of staying together for the kids

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    May the next year of your marriage be filled with as much forgettable sex as the last.

    May the next year of your marriage be filled with as much forgettable sex as the last.

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    Today's a perfect day to belittle our single friends.

    Today's a perfect day to belittle our single friends

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    I want to grow old and disgusting with you.

    I want to grow old and disgusting with you

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    I feel so lucky to have remembered our anniversary.

    I feel so lucky to have remembered our anniversary

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    Happy anniversary to a couple who almost never make me physically ill.

    Happy anniversary to a couple who almost never make me physically ill

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    Let's celebrate our holy union by acting like horny single people.

    Let's celebrate our holy union by acting like horny single people

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    Happy anniversary to a great couple who are somehow related to me.

    Happy anniversary to a great couple who are somehow related to me

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    Happy anniversary to you and your beard.

    Happy anniversary to you and your beard

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