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    May the next year of your marriage be filled with as much forgettable sex as the last.

    May the next year of your marriage be filled with as much forgettable sex as the last.

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    I'm more than happy to answer all your thinly veiled questions about my commitment to you over dinner tonight.

    I'm more than happy to answer all your thinly veiled questions about my commitment to you over dinner tonight

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    If I had to do it all again I'd still marry you because you were pregnant.

    If I had to do it all again I'd still marry you because you were pregnant.

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    Today marks the first anniversary of me remembering when your anniversary is.

    Today marks the first anniversary of me remembering when your anniversary is

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    Let's celebrate the day you gave up on finding anyone better than me.

    Let's celebrate the day you gave up on finding anyone better than me

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    After all this time, my desire to be with you is still slightly stronger than my desire to be single.

    After all this time, my desire to be with you is still slightly stronger than my desire to be single.

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    Happy anniversary from someone who knows more about the inner workings of your marriage than any third party should.

    Happy anniversary from someone who knows more about the inner workings of your marriage than any third party should

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    I hope you have a great first anniversary and that this exempts me from ever having to remember it again.

    I hope you have a great first anniversary and that this exempts me from ever having to remember it again

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    Happy anniversary to you and your beard.

    Happy anniversary to you and your beard

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    I never doubted you'd make it to your one-month anniversary.

    I never doubted you'd make it to your one-month anniversary

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    Here's to another year of staying together for the kids.

    Here's to another year of staying together for the kids

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    Happy anniversary to a great couple who are somehow related to me.

    Happy anniversary to a great couple who are somehow related to me

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    Happy anniversary to a couple who almost never make me physically ill.

    Happy anniversary to a couple who almost never make me physically ill

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    Your anniversary is a sobering reminder that the last time I got laid was at your wedding.

    Your anniversary is a sobering reminder that the last time I got laid was at your wedding

  •  

    Here's to another year of me pretending to like your significant other.

    Here's to another year of me pretending to like your significant other

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    Happy anniversary from someone you're probably shocked knew it was your anniversary.

    Happy anniversary from someone you're probably shocked knew it was your anniversary

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    Sorry you had to guilt me into acknowledging your anniversary.

    Sorry you had to guilt me into acknowledging your anniversary

  •  

    Let's celebrate our holy union by acting like horny single people.

    Let's celebrate our holy union by acting like horny single people

  •  

    Marrying you was the best thing I've ever done for my vagina.

    Marrying you was the best thing I've ever done for my vagina

  •  

    I want to grow old and disgusting with you.

    I want to grow old and disgusting with you

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