Mom, I just wanted to apologize for making or not making you a grandmother
Sorry I used vague language to make you believe I might not be unemployed
Sorry I used my brief gas cramps as a way to relate to your period
Sorry I can't indicate my desire for morning sex in a manner other than furiously humping your back
Sorry you've made the terrible mistake of accepting someone as lonely as me as your Facebook friend
Sorry your Facebook Wall joke fell flat even in the empty silence of the Internet
Sorry I picked a place you couldn't afford for our first date
Sorry I started dating the person I was going to set you up with
Sorry we used the entire tab of your two-hour open bar in 12 minutes
I hope we can set aside our past differences and ultimately create new ones
Sorry I sporadically neglect your testicles during lovemaking
Sorry your high metabolism makes it difficult to be your friend
