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  • Sep. 3rd, 2007

    I still don't completely understand how babies are made.

    I still don't completely understand how babies are made.

  • Jun. 25th, 2010

    Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants.

    Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants.

  • Dec. 20th, 2010

    I think that an unplanned pregnancy could take this relationship to the next level.

    I think that an unplanned pregnancy could take this relationship to the next level.

  • May. 2nd, 2007

    I hope your baby doesn't hate you later in life.

    I hope your baby doesn't hate you later in life.

  • Jul. 4th, 2007

    I wish we had even a clue as to what we're doing.

    I wish we had even a clue as to what we're doing.

  • Aug. 31st, 2007

    Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you.

    Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you.

  • Jan. 8th, 2012

    Every time I see a cute kid, I remind myself how awesome it is to sleep through the night.

    Every time I see a cute kid, I remind myself how awesome it is to sleep through the night.

  • Jul. 23rd, 2009

    I hope you have better luck reciting the alphabet to your child than you did with the police officer.

    I hope you have better luck reciting the alphabet to your child than you did with the police officer.

  • May. 14th, 2010

    Congratulations on giving your daughter a name that she won't have to change when she becomes a stripper.

    Congratulations on giving your daughter a name that she won't have to change when she becomes a stripper.

  • Mar. 20th, 2009

    I'm so ready to get this baby out of my body so I can check on him obsessively and give him a complex later in life.

    I'm so ready to get this baby out of my body so I can check on him obsessively and give him a complex later in life.

  • Dec. 27th, 2010

    Congratulations on the 18 year financial burden you hadn't fully considered.

    Congratulations on the 18 year financial burden you hadn't fully considered.

  • Jan. 15th, 2011

    The care and attention I show my new $600 phone should prove to you that I am ready for motherhood.

    The care and attention I show my new $600 phone should prove to you that I am ready for motherhood.

  • Oct. 12th, 2010

    After you have our baby I will still love you as if you didn't look like you just had our baby.

    After you have our baby I will still love you as if you didn't look like you just had our baby.

  • Jul. 17th, 2011

    Attending your baby shower reminded me that I needed to take my birth control pill.

    Attending your baby shower reminded me that I needed to take my birth control pill.

  • Jul. 20th, 2011

    I'd be more excited about the arrival of your new baby if it wasn't mine.

    I'd be more excited about the arrival of your new baby if it wasn't mine.

  • Jul. 10th, 2011

    I can't wait to not have kids.

    I can't wait to not have kids.

  • Jan. 4th, 2009

    I hope our child gets your nipples.

    I hope our child gets your nipples.

  • Oct. 20th, 2011

    I'm not jealous of your baby, I'm jealous of your maternity leave.

    I'm not jealous of your baby, I'm jealous of your maternity leave.

  • Aug. 15th, 2008

    Way to stay sober for eight and a half months.

    Way to stay sober for eight and a half months.

  • May. 27th, 2009

    Sorry you're due during bathing suit season.

    Sorry you're due during bathing suit season.

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