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    You're going to be a great MILF.

    You're going to be a great MILF

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    You take more pictures of your baby than NASA does of Mars.

    You take more pictures of your baby than NASA does of Mars.

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    Congratulations on the 18 year financial burden you hadn't fully considered.

    Congratulations on the 18 year financial burden you hadn't fully considered.

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    Congratulations to someone whose sperm seem to find eggs faster than a kid on Easter.

    Congratulations to someone whose sperm seem to find eggs faster than a kid on Easter.

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    Congratulations on giving your daughter a name that she won't have to change when she becomes a stripper.

    Congratulations on giving your daughter a name that she won't have to change when she becomes a stripper.

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    After you have our baby I will still love you as if you didn't look like you just had our baby.

    After you have our baby I will still love you as if you didn't look like you just had our baby

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    I hope you have better luck reciting the alphabet to your child than you did with the police officer.

    I hope you have better luck reciting the alphabet to your child than you did with the police officer.

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    I'm so ready to get this baby out of my body so I can check on him obsessively and give him a complex later in life.

    I'm so ready to get this baby out of my body so I can check on him obsessively and give him a complex later in life.

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    I hope our child gets your nipples.

    I hope our child gets your nipples.

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    The care and attention I show my new $600 phone should prove to you that I am ready for motherhood.

    The care and attention I show my new $600 phone should prove to you that I am ready for motherhood.

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    Attending your baby shower reminded me that I needed to take my birth control pill.

    Attending your baby shower reminded me that I needed to take my birth control pill.

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    I can't wait to not have kids.

    I can't wait to not have kids.

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    I'm not jealous of your baby, I'm jealous of your maternity leave.

    I'm not jealous of your baby, I'm jealous of your maternity leave.

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    Every time I see a cute kid, I remind myself how awesome it is to sleep through the night.

    Every time I see a cute kid, I remind myself how awesome it is to sleep through the night.

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    Good luck making strangers uncomfortable about whether you're just fat.

    Good luck making strangers uncomfortable about whether you're just fat.

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    One day your baby will hate you for putting them on Facebook this much.

    One day your baby will hate you for putting them on Facebook this much.

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    Who needs a child when they can experience every boring detail of parenthood through your Facebook updates.

    Who needs a child when they can experience every boring detail of parenthood through your Facebook updates.

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    Congratulations on proving that any idiot can have a kid.

    Congratulations on proving that any idiot can have a kid.

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    I think that an unplanned pregnancy could take this relationship to the next level.

    I think that an unplanned pregnancy could take this relationship to the next level.

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    Way to stay sober for eight and a half months.

    Way to stay sober for eight and a half months.

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