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    I'd like to advertise on your new infant.

    I'd like to advertise on your new infant

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    I wish we had even a clue as to what we're doing.

    I wish we had even a clue as to what we're doing

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    I still don't completely understand how babies are made.

    I still don't completely understand how babies are made

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    Even without relentless worldwide media attention, I'm confident we'll see more pictures of your baby than Kate Middleton's.

    Even without relentless worldwide media attention, I'm confident we'll see more pictures of your baby than Kate Middleton's.

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    We're, or more specifically, I'm pregnant.

    We're, or more specifically, I'm pregnant

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    Congratulations on not being sterile.

    Congratulations on not being sterile

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    I hope your baby doesn't hate you later in life.

    I hope your baby doesn't hate you later in life

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    Just curious if you'd like to pay me tens of millions of dollars for pictures of my new baby.

    Just curious if you'd like to pay me tens of millions of dollars for pictures of my new baby

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    Let's ridicule our friend's baby.

    Let's ridicule our friend's baby

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    Come see my baby's new genitals.

    Come see my baby's new genitals

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    Our baby's first words were different from what we wanted.

    Our baby's first words were different from what we wanted

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    Let's spoil the shit out of our child.

    Let's spoil the shit out of our child

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    Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants.

    Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants.

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    What you need is a grueling slideshow of my baby in countless poses and outfits.

    What you need is a grueling slideshow of my baby in countless poses and outfits

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    I'm so psyched for paternity leave.

    I'm so psyched for paternity leave

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    You're going to be a great father assuming you're the father.

    You're going to be a great father assuming you're the father

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    I'm so proud of my sperm.

    I'm so proud of my sperm

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    Your baby is beautiful enough to model for a great deal of money.

    Your baby is beautiful enough to model for a great deal of money

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    Congratulations on trading cramps and bleeding for morning sickness and unimaginable weight gain.

    Congratulations on trading cramps and bleeding for morning sickness and unimaginable weight gain

  •  

    You're going to be a great MILF.

    You're going to be a great MILF

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