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    Every time I see a cute kid, I remind myself how awesome it is to sleep through the night.

    Every time I see a cute kid, I remind myself how awesome it is to sleep through the night.

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    Congratulations on being only 19 babies away from your own reality show.

    Congratulations on being only 19 babies away from your own reality show

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    I'm not jealous of your baby, I'm jealous of your maternity leave.

    I'm not jealous of your baby, I'm jealous of your maternity leave.

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    I can't wait to not have kids.

    I can't wait to not have kids.

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    I'd be more excited about the arrival of your new baby if it wasn't mine.

    I'd be more excited about the arrival of your new baby if it wasn't mine.

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    Attending your baby shower reminded me that I needed to take my birth control pill.

    Attending your baby shower reminded me that I needed to take my birth control pill.

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    The care and attention I show my new $600 phone should prove to you that I am ready for motherhood.

    The care and attention I show my new $600 phone should prove to you that I am ready for motherhood.

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    Congratulations on the 18 year financial burden you hadn't fully considered.

    Congratulations on the 18 year financial burden you hadn't fully considered.

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    I think that an unplanned pregnancy could take this relationship to the next level.

    I think that an unplanned pregnancy could take this relationship to the next level.

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    Congratulations on giving your daughter a name that she won't have to change when she becomes a stripper.

    Congratulations on giving your daughter a name that she won't have to change when she becomes a stripper.

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    After you have our baby I will still love you as if you didn't look like you just had our baby.

    After you have our baby I will still love you as if you didn't look like you just had our baby

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    Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants.

    Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants.

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    I hope you have better luck reciting the alphabet to your child than you did with the police officer.

    I hope you have better luck reciting the alphabet to your child than you did with the police officer.

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    Sorry you're due during bathing suit season.

    Sorry you're due during bathing suit season

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    I'm so ready to get this baby out of my body so I can check on him obsessively and give him a complex later in life.

    I'm so ready to get this baby out of my body so I can check on him obsessively and give him a complex later in life.

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    I hope our child gets your nipples.

    I hope our child gets your nipples.

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    Way to stay sober for eight and a half months.

    Way to stay sober for eight and a half months.

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    Congratulations on trading cramps and bleeding for morning sickness and unimaginable weight gain.

    Congratulations on trading cramps and bleeding for morning sickness and unimaginable weight gain

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    Just curious if you'd like to pay me tens of millions of dollars for pictures of my new baby.

    Just curious if you'd like to pay me tens of millions of dollars for pictures of my new baby

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    Thanks for not denying paternity.

    Thanks for not denying paternity

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