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    I'm so psyched for paternity leave.

    I'm so psyched for paternity leave

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    I liked it better when it sucked your boobs.

    I liked it better when it sucked your boobs

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    Congratulations on not being sterile.

    Congratulations on not being sterile

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    Think of me as the uncle who stops by when he feels like it.

    Think of me as the uncle who stops by when he feels like it

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    I hope your baby doesn't hate you later in life.

    I hope your baby doesn't hate you later in life

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    I'd like to advertise on your new infant.

    I'd like to advertise on your new infant

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    I'd like to purchase your new child.

    I'd like to purchase your new child

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    Careful about turning your baby gay.

    Careful about turning your baby gay

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    Don't miss one second of your child's existence.

    Don't miss one second of your child's existence

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    Make sure no one steals your baby.

    Make sure no one steals your baby

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    Your baby is beautiful enough to model for a great deal of money.

    Your baby is beautiful enough to model for a great deal of money

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    You're going to be a great father assuming you're the father.

    You're going to be a great father assuming you're the father

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    You're going to be a great MILF.

    You're going to be a great MILF

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    Congratulations on not having a miscarriage.

    Congratulations on not having a miscarriage

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    Congratulations on your new baby if it was intentional.

    Congratulations on your new baby if it was intentional

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