• May. 17th, 2012

    Happy birthday to someone whose attention span is approximately one medium-length sentence.

    Happy birthday to someone whose attention span is approximately one medium-length sentence.

  • May. 16th, 2012

    Any company that ensures I never forget your birthday should be worth at least $100 billion.

    Any company that ensures I never forget your birthday should be worth at least $100 billion.

  • May. 15th, 2012

    I hope a 28-year-old billionaire becoming even richer this week doesn't spoil your birthday.

    I hope a 28-year-old billionaire becoming even richer this week doesn't spoil your birthday.

  • May. 15th, 2012

    Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday on Facebook while it's still free to do so.

    Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday on Facebook while it's still free to do so.

  • Mar. 23rd, 2012

    Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.

    Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.

  • Mar. 26th, 2012

    Please let the warm spring weather dictate how much clothing you'll be wearing to my birthday party.

    Please let the warm spring weather dictate how much clothing you'll be wearing to my birthday party.

  • Mar. 21st, 2012

    Congratulations on not being remotely young enough to be picked for the Hunger Games.

    Congratulations on not being remotely young enough to be picked for the Hunger Games.

  • Mar. 11th, 2012

    I'm sorry daylight savings means there is one less hour to celebrate your birthday today.

    I'm sorry daylight savings means there is one less hour to celebrate your birthday today.

  • Feb. 27th, 2012

    Age is just a number that determines how happy, attractive, and able-bodied you are.

    Age is just a number that determines how happy, attractive, and able-bodied you are.

  • Mar. 1st, 2012

    Happy birthday to someone lucky their first sight after being born wasn't Snooki's vagina.

    Happy birthday to someone lucky their first sight after being born wasn't Snooki's vagina.

  • Feb. 29th, 2012

    I'd give anything to go four years at a time without being reminded how old I am.

    I'd give anything to go four years at a time without being reminded how old I am.

  • Feb. 29th, 2012

    I envy your only having to put up with incessant Facebook wishes every four years.

    I envy your only having to put up with incessant Facebook wishes every four years.

  • Feb. 28th, 2012

    May the fact that your birthday comes once every four years be a passing excuse for your infantile behavior.

    May the fact that your birthday comes once every four years be a passing excuse for your infantile behavior.

  • Feb. 6th, 2012

    May your birthday be as joyful as a Giants fan within earshot of a Patriots fan.

    May your birthday be as joyful as a Giants fan within earshot of a Patriots fan.

  • Jan. 30th, 2012

    Congratulations on being a year closer to finding out if atheism was the right choice.

    Congratulations on being a year closer to finding out if atheism was the right choice.

  • Jan. 25th, 2012

    May you never be as old, white, or out of touch as Academy Award voters.

    May you never be as old, white, or out of touch as Academy Award voters.

  • Jan. 19th, 2012

    This birthday greeting has been brought to you by my fake sense of obligation and fear of being shunned by the rest of the office.

    This birthday greeting has been brought to you by my fake sense of obligation and fear of being shunned by the rest of the office.

  • Jan. 10th, 2012

    At least having a winter birthday means you can blame your low party attendance on the weather.

    At least having a winter birthday means you can blame your low party attendance on the weather.

  • Jan. 9th, 2012

    Sorry your winter birthday coincides with my seasonal depression.

    Sorry your winter birthday coincides with my seasonal depression.

  • Jan. 6th, 2012

    Sorry your winter birthday prevents you from dressing as slutty as you do the rest of the year.

    Sorry your winter birthday prevents you from dressing as slutty as you do the rest of the year.

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