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    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies

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    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

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    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

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    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

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    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

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    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

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    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

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    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

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    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder

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    Just wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday so I can feel superior to your other well-wishers.

    Just wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday so I can feel superior to your other well-wishers

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    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

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    I can't believe it's already been a year since the last time I didn't buy you anything for your birthday.

    I can't believe it's already been a year since the last time I didn't buy you anything for your birthday.

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    May you live long enough to shit yourself.

    May you live long enough to shit yourself

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    However old you are is the new 30.

    However old you are is the new 30

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    I hope you appreciate that this is less belated than most of the birthday wishes I send.

    I hope you appreciate that this is less belated than most of the birthday wishes I send.

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    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

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    I'm not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.

    I'm not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are

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    May the candles on your birthday cake outnumber your gray pubes.

    May the candles on your birthday cake outnumber your gray pubes.

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    Happy birthday to someone I hope is still around when the iPhone 237 comes out.

    Happy birthday to someone I hope is still around when the iPhone 237 comes out.

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    At least you're not as old as you will be next year.

    At least you're not as old as you will be next year.

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