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    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies

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    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

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    Your birthday is the perfect opportunity to remind you that my birthday is coming up soon.

    Your birthday is the perfect opportunity to remind you that my birthday is coming up soon.

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    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

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    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day.

    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day

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    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

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    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

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    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

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    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

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    May your Easter birthday not remind you of your dwindling supply of viable eggs.

    May your Easter birthday not remind you of your dwindling supply of viable eggs.

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    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

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    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

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    I'm glad your mom didn't have a headache that night.

    I'm glad your mom didn't have a headache that night.

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    I hope no acknowledgment of your birthday was exactly what you wanted for your birthday.

    I hope no acknowledgment of your birthday was exactly what you wanted for your birthday.

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    However old you are is the new 30.

    However old you are is the new 30

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    I can't believe it's already been a year since the last time I didn't buy you anything for your birthday.

    I can't believe it's already been a year since the last time I didn't buy you anything for your birthday.

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    I was going to drink tonight anyway but I'm happier it's because we're celebrating your birthday.

    I was going to drink tonight anyway but I'm happier it's because we're celebrating your birthday.

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    May you grow so old that you unintentionally frighten small children.

    May you grow so old that you unintentionally frighten small children.

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    May you live to be so old that the handicapped stall becomes a necessity and not just a spacious place to poop.

    May you live to be so old that the handicapped stall becomes a necessity and not just a spacious place to poop.

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    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

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