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    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

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    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

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    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder

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    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

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    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

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    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

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    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies

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    However old you are is the new 30.

    However old you are is the new 30

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    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

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    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

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    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

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    Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.

    Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.

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    It means a lot to me that you expected nothing more than this birthday ecard from me.

    It means a lot to me that you expected nothing more than this birthday ecard from me.

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    Just wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday so I can feel superior to your other well-wishers.

    Just wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday so I can feel superior to your other well-wishers

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    I hope you appreciate that this is less belated than most of the birthday wishes I send.

    I hope you appreciate that this is less belated than most of the birthday wishes I send.

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    May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy.

    May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy

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    May you live long enough to shit yourself.

    May you live long enough to shit yourself

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    Birthday confusion (Michael Showalter).

    Birthday confusion (Michael Showalter)

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    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day.

    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day

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    Happy birthday to the family member I'm least ashamed to be related to.

    Happy birthday to the family member I'm least ashamed to be related to.

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