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    Happy birthday to a white person born during Black History Month.

    Happy birthday to a white person born during Black History Month

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    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

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    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

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    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day.

    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day

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    May your birthday be as joyful as a Giants fan within earshot of a Patriots fan.

    May your birthday be as joyful as a Giants fan within earshot of a Patriots fan

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    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder

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    May you live long enough to shit yourself.

    May you live long enough to shit yourself

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    Sorry your winter birthday prevents you from dressing as slutty as you do the rest of the year.

    Sorry your winter birthday prevents you from dressing as slutty as you do the rest of the year

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    May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy.

    May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy

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    However old you are is the new 30.

    However old you are is the new 30

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    You're only as old as you feel while getting wildly fucked.

    You're only as old as you feel while getting wildly fucked

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    Congratulations on being a year closer to finding out if atheism was the right choice.

    Congratulations on being a year closer to finding out if atheism was the right choice

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    I'm not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.

    I'm not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are

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    Happy Anniversary of Your 29th Birthday.

    Happy Anniversary of Your 29th Birthday.

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    Just wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday so I can feel superior to your other well-wishers.

    Just wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday so I can feel superior to your other well-wishers

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    At least you're not as old as you will be next year.

    At least you're not as old as you will be next year.

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    Let's celebrate the first time you cried naked in someone else's bed.

    Let's celebrate the first time you cried naked in someone else's bed

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    Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs.

    Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs.

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    I find it strange that we celebrate you on the anniversary of a day when your mom did all of the work.

    I find it strange that we celebrate you on the anniversary of a day when your mom did all of the work.

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    It would be significantly easier to wish you a happy birthday if you were on Facebook.

    It would be significantly easier to wish you a happy birthday if you were on Facebook

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