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    I hope wishing you a happy birthday isn't considered sexual harassment.

    I hope wishing you a happy birthday isn't considered sexual harassment

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    No alcohol-monitoring bracelet could stop me from celebrating your birthday.

    No alcohol-monitoring bracelet could stop me from celebrating your birthday

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    Turning 40 doesn't make you old to people who don't consider 40 old.

    Turning 40 doesn't make you old to people who don't consider 40 old

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    I remember when you weren't so disturbingly old.

    I remember when you weren't so disturbingly old

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    Here's hoping you forgot it was your birthday too.

    Here's hoping you forgot it was your birthday too.

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    Today's the anniversary of you being expelled from your mother's uterus.

    Today's the anniversary of you being expelled from your mother's uterus

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    You're officially too old to be drafted.

    You're officially too old to be drafted

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    I hope you like this birthday ecard better than last year's text message.

    I hope you like this birthday ecard better than last year's text message

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    May your birthday be devoid of cute animals and soul-shredding wordplay.

    May your birthday be devoid of cute animals and soul-shredding wordplay

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    May your summer birthday be less hot and sticky than the moment of your birth.

    May your summer birthday be less hot and sticky than the moment of your birth

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    You're not nearly as fat or bald as I thought you'd be at this age.

    You're not nearly as fat or bald as I thought you'd be at this age

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    I have no idea how to talk to someone your age.

    I have no idea how to talk to someone your age

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    You've reached an age where it's no longer cute to say you're turning 29.

    You've reached an age where it's no longer cute to say you're turning 29

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    Happy Sweet Sixteen or multiple thereof.

    Happy Sweet Sixteen or multiple thereof

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    Any company that ensures I never forget your birthday should be worth at least $100 billion.

    Any company that ensures I never forget your birthday should be worth at least $100 billion.

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    Happy birthday to someone still young enough to become a professional curler.

    Happy birthday to someone still young enough to become a professional curler

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    You're invited to your birthday party.

    You're invited to your birthday party

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    You would have loved the gift I didn't bother getting you.

    You would have loved the gift I didn't bother getting you

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    Congratulations on being a year closer to the blissful senility of not remembering Snooki having a New York Times Best Seller.

    Congratulations on being a year closer to the blissful senility of not remembering Snooki having a New York Times Best Seller

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    You don't look a day over whatever age you were a few years ago.

    You don't look a day over whatever age you were a few years ago

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