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    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies

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    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

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    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

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    However old you are is the new 30.

    However old you are is the new 30

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    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

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    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

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    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day.

    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day

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    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

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    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

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    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

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    Happy Anniversary of Your 29th Birthday.

    Happy Anniversary of Your 29th Birthday.

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    I'd bake you a cake today if I knew how to use an oven.

    I'd bake you a cake today if I knew how to use an oven.

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    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

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    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

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    May you live to be so old that the handicapped stall becomes a necessity and not just a spacious place to poop.

    May you live to be so old that the handicapped stall becomes a necessity and not just a spacious place to poop.

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    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

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    Here's to blasphemously enjoying your birthday cake this Passover.

    Here's to blasphemously enjoying your birthday cake this Passover

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    I can't believe it's already been a year since the last time I didn't buy you anything for your birthday.

    I can't believe it's already been a year since the last time I didn't buy you anything for your birthday.

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    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder

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    If you were a dog you'd be dead by now.

    If you were a dog you'd be dead by now.

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