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    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies

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    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

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    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

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    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

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    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

    Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder

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    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

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    However old you are is the new 30.

    However old you are is the new 30

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    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

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    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

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    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

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    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

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    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

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    I hope you appreciate that this is less belated than most of the birthday wishes I send.

    I hope you appreciate that this is less belated than most of the birthday wishes I send.

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    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

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    Happy belated birthday to someone who now has free rein to forget mine.

    Happy belated birthday to someone who now has free rein to forget mine

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    Happy birthday to someone I think about almost as much as I think about myself.

    Happy birthday to someone I think about almost as much as I think about myself.

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    I'm so glad we're going to grow old together and that you'll always have a head start.

    I'm so glad we're going to grow old together and that you'll always have a head start.

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    I'm not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.

    I'm not making any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are

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    I hope no acknowledgment of your birthday was exactly what you wanted for your birthday.

    I hope no acknowledgment of your birthday was exactly what you wanted for your birthday.

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    Happy birthday to a coworker whose birthday I actually care about more than eating their office birthday cake.

    Happy birthday to a coworker whose birthday I actually care about more than eating their office birthday cake.

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