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    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies.

    Your birthday is a welcome opportunity to celebrate something in April unrelated to hideous biblical tragedies

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    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

    Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop without a smartphone.

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    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

    May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

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    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

    If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.

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    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

    Happy birthday to someone I hope is my friend even when we're too senile to remember each other's birthdays.

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    However old you are is the new 30.

    However old you are is the new 30

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    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

    Your birthday means so much to me I've taken time out of doing nothing to send this.

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    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

    I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

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    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

    I hope you don't have to spend more than 14 hours of your birthday in the office.

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    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

    May you get as much praise and attention on your birthday as an average millennial feels entitled to every day.

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    At least you're not as old as you will be next year.

    At least you're not as old as you will be next year.

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    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day.

    Happy 24 Hours of Constant Facebook Notifications Day

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    Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.

    Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.

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    Happy Anniversary of Your 29th Birthday.

    Happy Anniversary of Your 29th Birthday.

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    Here's to blasphemously enjoying your birthday cake this Passover.

    Here's to blasphemously enjoying your birthday cake this Passover

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    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

    Happy birthday to someone who's still a long way from being as old and useless as Congress.

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    I'm glad your mom didn't have a headache that night.

    I'm glad your mom didn't have a headache that night.

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    May you live to be so old that the handicapped stall becomes a necessity and not just a spacious place to poop.

    May you live to be so old that the handicapped stall becomes a necessity and not just a spacious place to poop.

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    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

    Happy birthday to someone who wasn't welcomed into the world via tweet or status update.

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    I can't believe it's already been a year since the last time I didn't buy you anything for your birthday.

    I can't believe it's already been a year since the last time I didn't buy you anything for your birthday.

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