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  •  

    My definition of insanity is doing you over and over again and expecting to have an orgasm.

    My definition of insanity is doing you over and over again and expecting to have an orgasm.

  •  

    I can't wait to have a new ex.

    I can't wait to have a new ex.

  •  

    I'd probably be more interested in you if I didn't have much better options.

    I'd probably be more interested in you if I didn't have much better options.

  •  

    I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

  •  

    My vibrator and I got back together.

    My vibrator and I got back together.

  •  

    I'm just calling to make sure you still didn't want me to ever call you again.

    I'm just calling to make sure you still didn't want me to ever call you again.

  •  

    At some point after sex, we really need to determine whose fault this was.

    At some point after sex, we really need to determine whose fault this was.

  •  

    If you had a twin, he'd probably be the cool one.

    If you had a twin, he'd probably be the cool one.

  •  

    I'm sorry if you thought my forced apology was insincere.

    I'm sorry if you thought my forced apology was insincere.

  •  

    I'm sorry, but unfortunately there isn't a 'clear history' button for your vagina.

    I'm sorry, but unfortunately there isn't a "clear history" button for your vagina.

  •  

    Just give me one more chance to prove the last five affairs I had meant nothing to me.

    Just give me one more chance to prove the last five affairs I had meant nothing to me.

  •  

    I wish you had been the one that got away.

    I wish you had been the one that got away.

  •  

    I'm emotionally unavailable and I have strong feelings about it.

    I'm emotionally unavailable and I have strong feelings about it.

  •  

    It's not you, it's my horrible choice in men.

    It's not you, it's my horrible choice in men.

  •  

    Breaking up with you on Facebook was the easiest way for me to let your friends know I was available.

    Breaking up with you on Facebook was the easiest way for me to let your friends know I was available.

  •  

    It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

    It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

  •  

    I want you to be the first to know I told everyone I'm leaving you.

    I want you to be the first to know I told everyone I'm leaving you.

  •  

    Listen, I'm not calling her a slut. I'm just simply stating that if her vagina had a password, it would be 'password'.

    Listen, I'm not calling her a slut. I'm just simply stating that if her vagina had a password, it would be "password".

  •  

    I'd appreciate if you'd stop calling me, but I'll probably respond if you decide to text instead.

    I'd appreciate if you'd stop calling me, but I'll probably respond if you decide to text instead.

  •  

    This breakup is better than Weight Watchers.

    This breakup is better than Weight Watchers.

  •  

    I think I need some cyber space.

    I think I need some cyber space

  •  

    I'd perform half of a murder-suicide for you.

    I'd perform half of a murder-suicide for you.

  •  

    My post break-up depression has really helped reverse my holiday weight gain.

    My post break-up depression has really helped reverse my holiday weight gain.

  •  

    I really need to focus on my lack of a career right now.

    I really need to focus on my lack of a career right now.

  •  

    Let's have sex one last time again.

    Let's have sex one last time again.

  •  

    I hope my breakup email was mean enough that you abandon the idea of fucking me ever again, but not so cruel that you have a heroin relapse.

    I hope my breakup email was mean enough that you abandon the idea of fucking me ever again, but not so cruel that you have a heroin relapse.

  •  

    Sorry you didn't meet my ridiculously low standards.

    Sorry you didn't meet my ridiculously low standards.

  •  

    I told our dog that you died.

    I told our dog that you died.

  •  

    Please text me back so I know when it's a good time to call you to break up.

    Please text me back so I know when it's a good time to call you to break up.

  •  

    Thanks for the reassurance I will never find anyone else like you.

    Thanks for the reassurance I will never find anyone else like you.

  •  

    I'd like to go out with you, but I'm not ready for a serious relationship with an asshole.

    I'd like to go out with you, but I'm not ready for a serious relationship with an asshole.

  •  

    This has been great, but I think I'll go back to doing whatever I want all the time.

    This has been great, but I think I'll go back to doing whatever I want all the time.

  •  

    I think we should see other people until I am absolutely sure I can't do any better than you.

    I think we should see other people until I am absolutely sure I can't do any better than you.

  •  

    I'll always be there for you if you feel like having sex without orgasm.

    I'll always be there for you if you feel like having sex without orgasm.

  •  

    I feel like we've grown apart over the last few hours.

    I feel like we've grown apart over the last few hours.

  •  

    I can't get over how much I can get over you.

    I can't get over how much I can get over you.

  •  

    I want to grow old without you.

    I want to grow old without you.

  •  

    I'm having a hard time getting over the relationship that we were never in.

    I'm having a hard time getting over the relationship that we were never in.

  •  

    You turn me on to other people.

    You turn me on to other people.

  •  

    I'm not ready to be in a profile picture with you.

    I'm not ready to be in a profile picture with you.

  •  

    You're everything I've ever wanted in someone I don't want anymore.

    You're everything I've ever wanted in someone I don't want anymore.

  •  

    I can't start thinking of you.

    I can't start thinking of you.

  •  

    You deserve someone worse.

    You deserve someone worse.

  •  

    I regret having held in even a single fart for you.

    I regret having held in even a single fart for you.

  •  

    I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

    I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

  •  

    You and I are absolutely perfect for other people.

    You and I are absolutely perfect for other people.

  •  

    I'd be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.

    I'd be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.

  •  

    I can't stand the thought of you being emotionally unavailable with someone else.

    I can't stand the thought of you being emotionally unavailable with someone else.

  •  

    Sorry you aren't meeting the emotional needs I didn't have before I met you.

    Sorry you aren't meeting the emotional needs I didn't have before I met you.

  •  

    I think we need some time away from each other forever.

    I think we need some time away from each other forever.

  •  

    I'd trust a fart after a binge at Taco Bell more than I'd trust you.

    I'd trust a fart after a binge at Taco Bell more than I'd trust you.

  •  

    We'll never know how miserable we could have been together.

    We'll never know how miserable we could have been together.

  •  

    Let's spice up our sex lives by never seeing each other again.

    Let's spice up our sex lives by never seeing each other again.

  •  

    It's time to crop you out of the relationship.

    It's time to crop you out of the relationship.

  •  

    It's not you, it's someone else better than you.

    It's not you, it's someone else better than you.

  •  

    I have to let you go because you really let yourself go.

    I have to let you go because you really let yourself go.

  •  

    Your absence has only made my heart grow fonder of all the free time I have due to your absence.

    Your absence has only made my heart grow fonder of all the free time I have due to your absence.

  •  

    Considering we met online, I feel it's totally appropriate to break up with you over email.

    Considering we met online, I feel it's totally appropriate to break up with you over email.

  •  

    I'd like to go out with you, but I'm too busy upholding the standards which I delusionally believe I deserve.

    I'd like to go out with you, but I'm too busy upholding the standards which I delusionally believe I deserve.

  •  

    It's a shame he found out what a bitch I could be before he found out what a slut I could be.

    It's a shame he found out what a bitch I could be before he found out what a slut I could be.

  •  

    Sometimes I stalk you online to remember why I don't want you anymore.

    Sometimes I stalk you online to remember why I don't want you anymore.

  •  

    You are really starting to interfere with my being single.

    You are really starting to interfere with my being single.

  •  

    My therapist is glad I'm moving on from you.

    My therapist is glad I'm moving on from you

  •  

    You're the best thing I ever found on Craigslist.

    You're the best thing I ever found on Craigslist.

  •  

    Your painful breakup has made me feel less alone.

    Your painful breakup has made me feel less alone

  •  

    The best way to get back at an ex is to have sex with me.

    The best way to get back at an ex is to have sex with me

  •  

    Let's not break up until after the holidays.

    Let's not break up until after the holidays

  •  

    Sorry I broke up with you via this ecard.

    Sorry I broke up with you via this ecard

  •  

    I'm glad the death of an elderly family member has prolonged our relationship.

    I'm glad the death of an elderly family member has prolonged our relationship

  •  

    Let's take things to the previous level.

    Let's take things to the previous level

  •  

    Sorry I said you can do so much better before your breakup was finalized.

    Sorry I said you can do so much better before your breakup was finalized

  •  

    I 'liked' liked you.

    I "liked" liked you

  •  

    It's not you, it's me finally realizing you're terrible for me.

    It's not you, it's me finally realizing you're terrible for me

  •  

    Sorry your outdated religious views dismantled our perfectly fine relationship.

    Sorry your outdated religious views dismantled our perfectly fine relationship

  •  

    Consider frantically getting back together.

    Consider frantically getting back together

  •  

    If you're tired of discussing my nightmarish relationship, I'd love the opportunity to begin discussing my nightmarish breakup.

    If you're tired of discussing my nightmarish relationship, I'd love the opportunity to begin discussing my nightmarish breakup

  •  

    I know we haven't met but I think we should stop seeing each other.

    I know we haven't met but I think we should stop seeing each other

  •  

    He didn't like girls.

    He didn't like girls

  •  

    Take some time to be alone with your penis.

    Take some time to be alone with your penis

  •  

    August seems like a good time to tell you this was a summer fling.

    August seems like a good time to tell you this was a summer fling.

  •  

    Just wanted you to not know my new phone number.

    Just wanted you to not know my new phone number

  •  

    You will grow emotionally from months of bone-crushing agony.

    You will grow emotionally from months of bone-crushing agony

  •  

    I think we need to take a follow break until you get your Twittering under control.

    I think we need to take a follow break until you get your Twittering under control

  •  

    If you cut your hair, I'm dumping you.

    If you cut your hair, I'm dumping you.

  •  

    I was hoping this electronic greeting card could help salvage our relationship.

    I was hoping this electronic greeting card could help salvage our relationship

  •  

    We make terrible music together.

    We make terrible music together

  •  

    Maybe we shouldn't have skipped the getting to know each other part.

    Maybe we shouldn't have skipped the getting to know each other part

  •  

    This relationship is moving way too fast or slow for me.

    This relationship is moving way too fast or slow for me

  •  

    Please take me back so I remember why we broke up.

    Please take me back so I remember why we broke up

  •  

    You can have our friends.

    You can have our friends

  •  

    I'll be publicly sobbing for the next few weeks.

    I'll be publicly sobbing for the next few weeks

  •  

    This isn't about you being too short for me.

    This isn't about you being too short for me

  •  

    I need some space.

    I need some space

  •  

    I think we should start seeing other people's Netflix queues.

    I think we should start seeing other people's Netflix queues.

  •  

    I want to apologize if there was any miscommunication that I was with you for any reason other than your money.

    I want to apologize if there was any miscommunication that I was with you for any reason other than your money

  •  

    I need your guidance on a relationship exit strategy.

    I need your guidance on a relationship exit strategy

  •  

    I hope you appreciate that I took the time to dump you by telephone instead of text.

    I hope you appreciate that I took the time to dump you by telephone instead of text.

  •  

    If I'd known our TV viewing habits were so incompatible, I never would have let things go so far.

    If I'd known our TV viewing habits were so incompatible, I never would have let things go so far

  •  

    We haven't dated long enough for breakup sex.

    We haven't dated long enough for breakup sex

  •  

    That self-absorbed psychopath and I got back together.

    That self-absorbed psychopath and I got back together

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