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This Canada Day, please take Justin Bieber back

My previous assumption that you were a little bit off has been totally cleared up now that I realize you're just Canadian

May this be the year people stop mistaking your most talented citizens for Americans

Sorry our country's most recent cultural touchstone to Canada is the contrived plot of a shitty Sandra Bullock vehicle

This Canada Day, don't let the fact that we're euthanizing thousands of your geese make you think we don't appreciate your contributions to America

This Canada Day, I'd love to go out for some traditional Canadian cuisine if there was such a thing

Even though you have free health care, I hope a firecracker doesn't blow off your thumbs this Canada Day

Let's honor Canada today by letting high school kids drink legally

Happy Canada Day to the people who sell me inexpensive sexual enhancement drugs online

Please accept my mildest excitement on this Canada Day

Happy Canada Day to my new countryman if they ever reinstate the military draft here

On Canada Day, best of luck in not being mistaken for an American

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