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Watching Iranian protesters use cell phones to document riots makes me ashamed of using mine to send pictures of my dick

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Now would be the perfect time to let me know if you're having an affair with a governor, senator, reality show star, talk show host, or your dad
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Even though we'll never be famous musicians, professional athletes, or members of Congress, I'm certain we'll always be noteworthy assholes
3

Socialized medicine scares me a lot less than the people scared of socialized medicine
4

Congratulations on getting or shrewdly deciding not to get the new iPhone
5

I'd probably be devastated by Obama's unfulfilled promises if I could remember anything he promised

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