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    I don't particularly care if you've been naughty or nice.

    I don't particularly care if you've been naughty or nice

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    You're a hard person to half-assedly shop for.

    You're a hard person to half-assedly shop for

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    Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my favorite package of the holiday season.

    Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my favorite package of the holiday season.

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    There's nothing like holiday cheer to offset devastating seasonal affective disorder.

    There's nothing like holiday cheer to offset devastating seasonal affective disorder

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    I’m dreaming of a white Christmas so the roads will be too dangerous to drive to your party.

    I’m dreaming of a white Christmas so the roads will be too dangerous to drive to your party.

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    Happy holidays from someone using environmental friendliness as an excuse for being too cheap and lazy to send a real card.

    Happy holidays from someone using environmental friendliness as an excuse for being too cheap and lazy to send a real card

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    Good luck finding something nice to wear to Christmas at Grandma's from your closet of bar hopping slut-gear.

    Good luck finding something nice to wear to Christmas at Grandma's from your closet of bar hopping slut-gear.

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    If I sent Christmas cards, you'd totally be on my list.

    If I sent Christmas cards, you'd totally be on my list.

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    The Christmas season and pretty much any other point in history are the toughest times to be Jewish.

    The Christmas season and pretty much any other point in history are the toughest times to be Jewish.

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    May your medications trick you into believing you're actually having a Merry Christmas.

    May your medications trick you into believing you're actually having a Merry Christmas.

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    I'm dreaming of a white Christmas at an Asian restaurant.

    I'm dreaming of a white Christmas at an Asian restaurant.

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    I hope you like this present better than I did when I received it.

    I hope you like this present better than I did when I received it.

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    I'm dreaming of a nondenominational, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory, eco-friendly, socially-responsible, gluten-free, vegan Christmas.

    I'm dreaming of a nondenominational, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory, eco-friendly, socially-responsible, gluten-free, vegan Christmas.

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    If I wanted to wait in line for some fat bastard to make me promises he can't keep I will just start dating again.

    If I wanted to wait in line for some fat bastard to make me promises he can't keep I will just start dating again.

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    Jesus Christ, not Christmas again.

    Jesus Christ, not Christmas again.

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    Happy holidays to someone who works approximately as many days a year as Santa.

    Happy holidays to someone who works approximately as many days a year as Santa

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    The office holiday party is a great place to meet everyone you've been emailing from 10 feet away.

    The office holiday party is a great place to meet everyone you've been emailing from 10 feet away.

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    I want you to have something I don't need anymore.

    I want you to have something I don't need anymore

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    There's no reason for anyone to be alone during the holidays unless everyone else leaves town.

    There's no reason for anyone to be alone during the holidays unless everyone else leaves town.

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    Let's give thanks our neighborhood is too dangerous for Christmas caroling.

    Let's give thanks our neighborhood is too dangerous for Christmas caroling.

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