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    Happy holidays from someone using environmental friendliness as an excuse for being too cheap and lazy to send a real card.

    Happy holidays from someone using environmental friendliness as an excuse for being too cheap and lazy to send a real card

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    Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my favorite package of the holiday season.

    Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my favorite package of the holiday season.

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    I'm only wearing this ugly Christmas sweater so that you'll rip it off my body.

    I'm only wearing this ugly Christmas sweater so that you'll rip it off my body.

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    There's nothing like holiday cheer to offset devastating seasonal affective disorder.

    There's nothing like holiday cheer to offset devastating seasonal affective disorder

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    Jesus Christ, not Christmas again.

    Jesus Christ, not Christmas again.

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    I hope you like this present better than I did when I received it.

    I hope you like this present better than I did when I received it.

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    May your medications trick you into believing you're actually having a Merry Christmas.

    May your medications trick you into believing you're actually having a Merry Christmas.

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    The Christmas season and pretty much any other point in history are the toughest times to be Jewish.

    The Christmas season and pretty much any other point in history are the toughest times to be Jewish.

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    If I wanted to wait in line for some fat bastard to make me promises he can't keep I will just start dating again.

    If I wanted to wait in line for some fat bastard to make me promises he can't keep I will just start dating again.

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    If I sent Christmas cards, you'd totally be on my list.

    If I sent Christmas cards, you'd totally be on my list.

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    I'm dreaming of a nondenominational, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory, eco-friendly, socially-responsible, gluten-free, vegan Christmas.

    I'm dreaming of a nondenominational, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory, eco-friendly, socially-responsible, gluten-free, vegan Christmas.

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    Good luck finding something nice to wear to Christmas at Grandma's from your closet of bar hopping slut-gear.

    Good luck finding something nice to wear to Christmas at Grandma's from your closet of bar hopping slut-gear.

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    I'm dreaming of a white Christmas at an Asian restaurant.

    I'm dreaming of a white Christmas at an Asian restaurant.

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    Happy holidays to someone who works approximately as many days a year as Santa.

    Happy holidays to someone who works approximately as many days a year as Santa

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    I put more thought into what I write in tweets than what I write in holiday cards.

    I put more thought into what I write in tweets than what I write in holiday cards.

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    I want you to have something I don't need anymore.

    I want you to have something I don't need anymore

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    I hope being at your parent's house this holiday break doesn't drive you nuts since you may be living there soon.

    I hope being at your parent's house this holiday break doesn't drive you nuts since you may be living there soon

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    Let's give thanks our neighborhood is too dangerous for Christmas caroling.

    Let's give thanks our neighborhood is too dangerous for Christmas caroling.

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    'Tis the season to drink too much with the coworkers, family, and friends who are the reason you drink too much.

    'Tis the season to drink too much with the coworkers, family, and friends who are the reason you drink too much.

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    May your holiday season be filled with friends and family who don't bring up your school's horrifying pedophiliac sex scandal.

    May your holiday season be filled with friends and family who don't bring up your school's horrifying pedophiliac sex scandal.

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