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    I don't exist

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    Happy holidays from someone using environmental friendliness as an excuse for being too cheap and lazy to send a real card

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    I really don't feel like carrying all this shit

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    I'm too fucking drunk to remember what you wanted

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    I want a Secret Santa gift that makes me feel sexually violated

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    Just wanted to help spread hope, peace, joy, and other marketing buzzwords

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    Take comfort in knowing the booze I drank using the money set aside for your gift helped me get over the guilt of not getting you a gift

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    There's nothing like holiday cheer to offset devastating seasonal affective disorder

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    You'll know I'm your Secret Santa if you don't get anything

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    I don't particularly care if you've been naughty or nice

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    I found the perfect gift for someone with money to get you

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    I hope your Christmas display doesn't incinerate your home and loved ones

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    I'd be totally into your invitation to go Christmas caroling if it wasn't for my aversion to singing in public, spreading cheer, and freezing my tits off

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    You're obliged to love what I made you

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    Thank fucking god we're not poor

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    May you experience the same unbridled joy this holiday season as the retailers Tiger Woods chooses for his wife's Christmas presents

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    Let's celebrate the birth of Jesus by going out for Chinese food

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    I need a gift for my boss that strikes a balance between thank you for guiding me through my career and fuck you for still not paying me enough

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    I'm going to regift something special for you

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    There's no limit to the amount of company time I'd waste shopping for your holiday gift

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