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    May your holiday season be filled with friends and family who don't bring up your school's horrifying pedophiliac sex scandal.

    May your holiday season be filled with friends and family who don't bring up your school's horrifying pedophiliac sex scandal.

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    The quality of your Christmas gifts makes me wish Santa was real.

    The quality of your Christmas gifts makes me wish Santa was real

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    I look forward to you being the drunken equivalent of WikiLeaks at our office holiday party.

    I look forward to you being the drunken equivalent of WikiLeaks at our office holiday party

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    All I want for Christmas is a pity retweet.

    All I want for Christmas is a pity retweet

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    Sorry your company is performing well enough this year to have an office holiday party.

    Sorry your company is performing well enough this year to have an office holiday party

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    I hope Tim Tebow's success has taught you to get with the winning religion this holiday season.

    I hope Tim Tebow's success has taught you to get with the winning religion this holiday season

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    Whether you're offended by me saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, take comfort in knowing I don't really mean either.

    Whether you're offended by me saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, take comfort in knowing I don't really mean either

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    May you maintain the same fake enthusiasm for the holidays as North Koreans did for Kim Jong Il.

    May you maintain the same fake enthusiasm for the holidays as North Koreans did for Kim Jong Il

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    I hope you have a white Christmas with your very white family.

    I hope you have a white Christmas with your very white family

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    This is my favorite time of year to be childless.

    This is my favorite time of year to be childless

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    All I want for Christmas is an electronic gadget that won't be obsolete by New Year's.

    All I want for Christmas is an electronic gadget that won't be obsolete by New Year's

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    I'm worried your unemployment will make it difficult to afford my Christmas gifts.

    I'm worried your unemployment will make it difficult to afford my Christmas gifts

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    I can't believe you're alone over the holidays considering how easy you are to get into bed.

    I can't believe you're alone over the holidays considering how easy you are to get into bed

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    Remember it's the thought that counts as you finish reading this free ecard.

    Remember it's the thought that counts as you finish reading this free ecard

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    Happy Holidays to someone who probably thinks this card should say Merry Christmas.

    Happy Holidays to someone who probably thinks this card should say Merry Christmas

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    Wishing you a festive breakdown.

    Wishing you a festive breakdown

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    Enjoy your time off from telling everyone on Earth how much you need time off.

    Enjoy your time off from telling everyone on Earth how much you need time off

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    Let's make holiday plans comprised of me nursing a hangover while watching TV at home alone.

    Let's make holiday plans comprised of me nursing a hangover while watching TV at home alone

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    May your holiday season be filled with the joyful abandon of an 18-year-old pop singer on salvia.

    May your holiday season be filled with the joyful abandon of an 18-year-old pop singer on salvia

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    You can milk a holiday party better than Brett Favre can milk an NFL career.

    You can milk a holiday party better than Brett Favre can milk an NFL career

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