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    All I want for Christmas is Newt Gingrich to be as irrelevant as he's been for the previous 13 Christmases.

    All I want for Christmas is Newt Gingrich to be as irrelevant as he's been for the previous 13 Christmases

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    I saved alot of money on Christmas presents this year by not spending any money on Christmas presents.

    I saved alot of money on Christmas presents this year by not spending any money on Christmas presents.

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    Happy Holidays to all my Facebook friends and the marketers accessing my private Facebook information.

    Happy Holidays to all my Facebook friends and the marketers accessing my private Facebook information

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    Just wanted to help spread hope, peace, joy, and other marketing buzzwords.

    Just wanted to help spread hope, peace, joy, and other marketing buzzwords

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    I don't exist.

    I don't exist

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    You'll know I'm your Secret Santa if you don't get anything.

    You'll know I'm your Secret Santa if you don't get anything

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    I've put a lot of thought into asking Siri what to get you for Christmas.

    I've put a lot of thought into asking Siri what to get you for Christmas

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    Please don't remotely worry about buying me a gift this year if cash would be easier.

    Please don't remotely worry about buying me a gift this year if cash would be easier

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    May this be the year your significant other gives you a better gift than your Secret Santa does.

    May this be the year your significant other gives you a better gift than your Secret Santa does

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    Buying me a Christmas gift on Cyber Monday is a great way to ensure I'll have sex with you until Christmas.

    Buying me a Christmas gift on Cyber Monday is a great way to ensure I'll have sex with you until Christmas

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    If you're sad about being single this holiday season, remember that even Kim Kardashian is unmarried 293 days a year.

    If you're sad about being single this holiday season, remember that even Kim Kardashian is unmarried 293 days a year

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    May your holidays be pepper-sprayed with joy.

    May your holidays be pepper-sprayed with joy.

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    I'm too fucking drunk to remember what you wanted.

    I'm too fucking drunk to remember what you wanted

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    Let's give thanks our neighborhood is too dangerous for Christmas caroling.

    Let's give thanks our neighborhood is too dangerous for Christmas caroling.

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    May your holiday season be filled with friends and family who don't bring up your school's horrifying pedophiliac sex scandal.

    May your holiday season be filled with friends and family who don't bring up your school's horrifying pedophiliac sex scandal.

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    Let's make holiday plans comprised of me nursing a hangover while watching TV at home alone.

    Let's make holiday plans comprised of me nursing a hangover while watching TV at home alone

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    I hope Tim Tebow's success has taught you to get with the winning religion this holiday season.

    I hope Tim Tebow's success has taught you to get with the winning religion this holiday season

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    I'd have gotten you a more impressive gift if you weren't already sleeping with me.

    I'd have gotten you a more impressive gift if you weren't already sleeping with me

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    Whether you're offended by me saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, take comfort in knowing I don't really mean either.

    Whether you're offended by me saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, take comfort in knowing I don't really mean either

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    I really don't feel like carrying all this shit.

    I really don't feel like carrying all this shit

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