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    Not even the mild winter weather can prevent me from finding an excuse to skip your holiday party.

    Not even the mild winter weather can prevent me from finding an excuse to skip your holiday party.

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    I hope you like the cheap imitation of the real thing you wanted for Christmas.

    I hope you like the cheap imitation of the real thing you wanted for Christmas.

  •  

    Having your privacy violated by Instagram should fully prepare you for going home for the holidays.

    Having your privacy violated by Instagram should fully prepare you for going home for the holidays.

  •  

    Happy holidays to my Facebook friends who haven't posted anything about the holidays on Facebook.

    Happy holidays to my Facebook friends who haven't posted anything about the holidays on Facebook.

  •  

    Congratulations on having a Christmas tree that's more real than your breasts.

    Congratulations on having a Christmas tree that's more real than your breasts.

  •  

    If I sent Christmas cards, you'd totally be on my list.

    If I sent Christmas cards, you'd totally be on my list.

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    Happy holidays to all my Twitter followers who aren't spam bots or fake accounts I purchased to seem more popular.

    Happy holidays to all my Twitter followers who aren't spam bots or fake accounts I purchased to seem more popular.

  •  

    You're going to love what I got me for Christmas.

    You're going to love what I got me for Christmas.

  •  

    Wishing you joy during the most miserable holiday season in decades.

    Wishing you joy during the most miserable holiday season in decades.

  •  

    The relentless barrage of weekend holiday parties has actually made me look forward to Mondays.

    The relentless barrage of weekend holiday parties has actually made me look forward to Mondays.

  •  

    If you think I've been phoning in my work this holiday season, I'll have you know I've been phoning in my work all year.

    If you think I've been phoning in my work this holiday season, I'll have you know I've been phoning in my work all year.

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    At least your boss's speech at the holiday party was less awkward than him sexually harassing you afterwards.

    At least your boss's speech at the holiday party was less awkward than him sexually harassing you afterwards.

  •  

    'Tis the season to drink too much with the coworkers, family, and friends who are the reason you drink too much.

    'Tis the season to drink too much with the coworkers, family, and friends who are the reason you drink too much.

  •  

    A holiday miracle would be still fitting into my clothes after the holidays.

    A holiday miracle would be still fitting into my clothes after the holidays.

  •  

    The office holiday party is a great opportunity to drink the equivalent of the bonus you didn't get.

    The office holiday party is a great opportunity to drink the equivalent of the bonus you didn't get.

  •  

    I'm flattered you actually think I can afford the things on your holiday wish list.

    I'm flattered you actually think I can afford the things on your holiday wish list.

  •  

    I'd be much more into the office holiday party if my coworkers weren't invited.

    I'd be much more into the office holiday party if my coworkers weren't invited.

  •  

    Rest assured your drunken comments at the office holiday party can't be any more awkward than your sober comments in meetings.

    Rest assured your drunken comments at the office holiday party can't be any more awkward than your sober comments in meetings.

  •  

    I put more thought into what I write in tweets than what I write in holiday cards.

    I put more thought into what I write in tweets than what I write in holiday cards.

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    The office holiday party is a great place to meet everyone you've been emailing from 10 feet away.

    The office holiday party is a great place to meet everyone you've been emailing from 10 feet away.

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