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Let's interrupt a week of unbridled American patriotism for a half-assed celebration of Mexico

Cinco de Mayo makes me long for a world in which all holidays are conveniently named after the dates on which they fall

It may be best to set aside the rest of May to apologize for what you're going to do this Cinco de Mayo

Tonight I insist on eating authentic Mexican food while wearing a novelty sombrero

Pretending to appreciate heartfelt mariachi songs may be the key to getting laid this Cinco de Mayo

Remember that Cinco de Mayo is an important celebration for Mexicans everywhere except almost all of Mexico

I'm not above using obscure Mexican battles to justify my drinking

Please make sure photos of me from Cinco de Mayo are kept as concealed as photos of Bin Laden's death

Today I'm making Hispanics more comfortable by peppering conversations with my feeble high school Spanish

This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed

I'll hook up with you this Cinco de Mayo if you can refrain from calling me a hot tamale

I'm celebrating Cinco de Mayo by puking tequila and gorditas on the side of a Taco Bell

Let's avoid direct professional confrontations by putting severance checks in the office pinata

This Cinco de Mayo, let's teach Mexicans in Arizona how to look as white as possible while partying

Sorry I wished you a Happy Cinco de Mayo not knowing you're Dominican or Honduran or that that makes a difference

Just curious if we can count my phoning you to bail me out of jail this Cinco de Mayo as my Mother's Day call

Let's gather for a shockingly disrespectful homage to Mexican culture

Let's celebrate this Cinco de Mayo with Tamiflu and clear liquids.

This Cinco de Mayo, let's raise our margaritas and cling to the hope that excessive alcohol kills swine flu.

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