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    I hope spring break provides enough time to recover from a stressful semester of binge drinking and reckless sex with total strangers.

    I hope spring break provides enough time to recover from a stressful semester of binge drinking and reckless sex with total strangers.

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    You'll make a great doctor for anyone I don't care about someday.

    You'll make a great doctor for anyone I don't care about someday.

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    Online college courses have taught me that I can literally masturbate during class.

    Online college courses have taught me that I can literally masturbate during class.

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    It's a good thing you learned to play the guitar so you have something to do while not getting laid.

    It's a good thing you learned to play the guitar so you have something to do while not getting laid.

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    This spring break, let's get our money's worth out of the HPV vaccine.

    This spring break, let's get our money's worth out of the HPV vaccine.

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    If you were abducted by a Mexican drug cartel while we were on Spring Break, I'd put down my Pina Colada to call the Mexican equivalent of 911.

    If you were abducted by a Mexican drug cartel while we were on Spring Break, I'd put down my Pina Colada to call the Mexican equivalent of 911.

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    Take a break from studying for finals to go protest your upcoming state of unemployment.

    Take a break from studying for finals to go protest your upcoming state of unemployment.

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    Congratulations on finding out where you'll be gaining 15 pounds as a freshman next year.

    Congratulations on finding out where you'll be gaining 15 pounds as a freshman next year.

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    Good luck on final exams to someone whose major is as real as Santa Claus.

    Good luck on final exams to someone whose major is as real as Santa Claus

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    College opened my eyes to diversity before I settled into a familiar clique.

    College opened my eyes to diversity before I settled into a familiar clique

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    Just a heads up that frequent vigorous sexual activity with me is a great way to avoid the freshman fifteen.

    Just a heads up that frequent vigorous sexual activity with me is a great way to avoid the freshman fifteen.

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    I hope college women reject you less than college admissions officers.

    I hope college women reject you less than college admissions officers.

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    Detour to College.

    Detour to College

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    Congratulations on delaying not being able to find a job for four years by being accepted to college.

    Congratulations on delaying not being able to find a job for four years by being accepted to college.

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    I'd love to do all those things from my favorite college movies but it turns out they're felonies.

    I'd love to do all those things from my favorite college movies but it turns out they're felonies

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    I hope you get into all the classes you're planning to drop when they require too much work.

    I hope you get into all the classes you're planning to drop when they require too much work.

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    Good luck with your four-year period of lesbian experimentation.

    Good luck with your four-year period of lesbian experimentation.

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    Sorry you can't mention the Ivy League school you attend or attended without inadvertently sounding like a douchebag.

    Sorry you can't mention the Ivy League school you attend or attended without inadvertently sounding like a douchebag

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    May your final exam grades be less damaging to your employment prospects than everything else you've done in college.

    May your final exam grades be less damaging to your employment prospects than everything else you've done in college.

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    I hope you get a college roommate as uninterested in human interaction as you are.

    I hope you get a college roommate as uninterested in human interaction as you are.

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