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    Congratulations on going to college far enough away that your promiscuous high school rep isn't widely known yet.

    Congratulations on going to college far enough away that your promiscuous high school rep isn't widely known yet.

  •  

    You'll make a great doctor for anyone I don't care about someday.

    You'll make a great doctor for anyone I don't care about someday.

  •  

    Online college courses have taught me that I can literally masturbate during class.

    Online college courses have taught me that I can literally masturbate during class.

  •  

    Good luck with your four-year period of lesbian experimentation.

    Good luck with your four-year period of lesbian experimentation.

  •  

    I'm going to college so I can get a good enough job to pay for college.

    I'm going to college so I can get a good enough job to pay for college.

  •  

    Just a heads up that frequent vigorous sexual activity with me is a great way to avoid the freshman fifteen.

    Just a heads up that frequent vigorous sexual activity with me is a great way to avoid the freshman fifteen.

  •  

    Hope your new roommate is a quiet masturbator.

    Hope your new roommate is a quiet masturbator.

  •  

    Best of luck over the next four or however many years it takes you to graduate.

    Best of luck over the next four or however many years it takes you to graduate.

  •  

    My condolences to your new roommate.

    My condolences to your new roommate.

  •  

    Hearing you talk about your study abroad makes me wish you were still in another country.

    Hearing you talk about your study abroad makes me wish you were still in another country.

  •  

    Thanks for pretending not to notice how much weight I gained at college.

    Thanks for pretending not to notice how much weight I gained at college.

  •  

    Final exams are a good reminder to be thankful you didn't get accepted into any of the better schools you applied to.

    Final exams are a good reminder to be thankful you didn't get accepted into any of the better schools you applied to.

  •  

    May your final exam grades be less damaging to your employment prospects than everything else you've done in college.

    May your final exam grades be less damaging to your employment prospects than everything else you've done in college.

  •  

    Congratulations on delaying not being able to find a job for four years by being accepted to college.

    Congratulations on delaying not being able to find a job for four years by being accepted to college.

  •  

    I hope college women reject you less than college admissions officers.

    I hope college women reject you less than college admissions officers.

  •  

    Congratulations on finding out where you'll be gaining 15 pounds as a freshman next year.

    Congratulations on finding out where you'll be gaining 15 pounds as a freshman next year.

  •  

    Congratulations on getting into my safety school.

    Congratulations on getting into my safety school.

  •  

    At least you're as thin as the college rejection letters you're receiving.

    At least you're as thin as the college rejection letters you're receiving.

  •  

    Allow me to apologize in advance for what I'm going to do with your upcoming set of spring break bikini photos.

    Allow me to apologize in advance for what I'm going to do with your upcoming set of spring break bikini photos.

  •  

    Just want to clarify that a baby possibly being cured of HIV doesn't mean you can leave your condoms at home this spring break.

    Just want to clarify that a baby possibly being cured of HIV doesn't mean you can leave your condoms at home this spring break.

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