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I can't even afford a staycation

Your taste in music has me worried about getting stuck in traffic together

I live in fear of accidentally hearing a Justin Bieber song and liking it

I've left work due to shitting my pants

I'm too horny to be in public

I have trust issues with dairy

I don't worry about identity theft because thieves have better spending habits than me

Rather than go on a diet, I'm hoping to get some sort of horrible stomach ailment

I'm masturbating on the inside

I'd rather have my head explode than wear a bike helmet

I find few things more satisfying than admiring the length of my turds

Pretty much all solids and liquids make me gassy

If I were an animal, I'd eat vegetarians

Deleting my browser history almost makes me feel like I never cyberstalked you in the first place

I trust any research claiming semen is good for a woman's skin

Spending a day on Facebook has once again fooled me into believing I have an actual social life

I overcompensate for reasons unrelated to my height

I'm flattered by your foot fetish

I can't decide if a decent tan is worth the possible melanoma

I guess I'm just waiting for new episodes of Weeds

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