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  •  

    You make me wish I had more middle fingers.

    You make me wish I had more middle fingers.

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    I've decided not to have children because I am adamantly against loving someone more than me.

    I've decided not to have children because I am adamantly against loving someone more than me.

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    The reason I wasn't angry when you confused me with someone else is because she's skinnier than me.

    The reason I wasn't angry when you confused me with someone else is because she's skinnier than me.

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    I'd come out of the closet if my closet wasn't full of fabulous clothes and accessories.

    I'd come out of the closet if my closet wasn't full of fabulous clothes and accessories.

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    I'm saving myself for the first person who wants to have sex with me.

    I'm saving myself for the first person who wants to have sex with me.

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    I may have Alzheimers but at least I don't have Alzheimers.

    I may have Alzheimers but at least I don't have Alzheimers.

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    I'm ready for the next step as long as it involves no changes whatsoever to our relationship.

    I'm ready for the next step as long as it involves no changes whatsoever to our relationship.

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    I'm ashamed of what I've done for a Klondike bar.

    I'm ashamed of what I've done for a Klondike bar

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    My only good deed for the day was a courtesy flush.

    My only good deed for the day was a courtesy flush.

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    You should have been a blowjob.

    You should have been a blowjob.

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    I hope you get stung by a stingray so I can finally pee on you without having to explain myself.

    I hope you get stung by a stingray so I can finally pee on you without having to explain myself.

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    I put out before the first date.

    I put out before the first date.

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    When I told you I loved you, what I really meant was that I wanted to get back to watching the football game.

    When I told you I loved you, what I really meant was that I wanted to get back to watching the football game.

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    While I was stalking you, I noticed that you have a new stalker.

    While I was stalking you, I noticed that you have a new stalker.

  •  

    I was going to do something today but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

    I was going to do something today but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

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    I took this job because my dream job pays less.

    I took this job because my dream job pays less.

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    I can only get that 'Runners' High' by smoking pot before I run, and then not actually running.

    I can only get that "Runners' High" by smoking pot before I run, and then not actually running.

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    I'm only working as a lawyer to pay my way through pole dancing school.

    I'm only working as a lawyer to pay my way through pole dancing school.

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    I hope I only live once.

    I hope I only live once.

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    I'm starting to think I may not have wiped enough.

    I'm starting to think I may not have wiped enough.

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