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    I wish Instagram could make my vagina look like it did in 1974.

    I wish Instagram could make my vagina look like it did in 1974.

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    I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.

    I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.

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    I haven't seen you since that time I hoped I'd never see you again.

    I haven't seen you since that time I hoped I'd never see you again.

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    It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

    It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

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    Using all caps makes me feel powerful.

    Using all caps makes me feel powerful

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    The only way I'd ever sell out is if any person or corporation gave me the opportunity to.

    The only way I'd ever sell out is if any person or corporation gave me the opportunity to

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    Maybe I'll have children when I get tired of anal sex.

    Maybe I'll have children when I get tired of anal sex

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    I'd blow you if we weren't in the military.

    I'd blow you if we weren't in the military

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    I can't even afford a staycation.

    I can't even afford a staycation

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    My new favorite bands are pretty much my old favorite bands.

    My new favorite bands are pretty much my old favorite bands

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    I'm obsessed enough with losing weight that I'd root against my own team in The Hunger Games.

    I'm obsessed enough with losing weight that I'd root against my own team in The Hunger Games.

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    I'd threaten to punch out anyone who called you a liar when you were blatantly lying.

    I'd threaten to punch out anyone who called you a liar when you were blatantly lying.

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    I'd get the new MacBook Air if it didn't make me look so fat.

    I'd get the new MacBook Air if it didn't make me look so fat

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    I wished I loved anything as much as Anthony Weiner loves showing his penis to strangers.

    I wished I loved anything as much as Anthony Weiner loves showing his penis to strangers.

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    There's no easy way to tell you this but I've already seen the link you sent me.

    There's no easy way to tell you this but I've already seen the link you sent me.

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    I'd rather be in a human centipede than a group text.

    I'd rather be in a human centipede than a group text.

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    Global warming makes me grateful for being childless.

    Global warming makes me grateful for being childless

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    I've officially given up trying to understand what Google's homepage wants me to celebrate.

    I've officially given up trying to understand what Google's homepage wants me to celebrate

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    I love pretending I have the courage to quit my job.

    I love pretending I have the courage to quit my job

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    Nothing annoys me more than someone texting on the street who bumps into me while I'm texting on the street.

    Nothing annoys me more than someone texting on the street who bumps into me while I'm texting on the street.

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