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    The only way I can get through Wednesday is by avoiding people who call it Hump Day.

    The only way I can get through Wednesday is by avoiding people who call it Hump Day.

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    Nothing annoys me more than someone texting on the street who bumps into me while I'm texting on the street.

    Nothing annoys me more than someone texting on the street who bumps into me while I'm texting on the street.

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    I think I'm okay with Bravo's programming strategy of trying to turn me gay.

    I think I'm okay with Bravo's programming strategy of trying to turn me gay

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    I hope Obamacare helps extend the life of everyone except people on Facebook commenting on Obamacare.

    I hope Obamacare helps extend the life of everyone except people on Facebook commenting on Obamacare.

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    Ignoring texts is the new ignoring voicemails.

    Ignoring texts is the new ignoring voicemails.

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    It bothers me when gay guys don't check me out.

    It bothers me when gay guys don't check me out

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    I would rather be sitting on a toilet with no toilet paper than with no cell phone.

    I would rather be sitting on a toilet with no toilet paper than with no cell phone.

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    CrossFit is a mix of cardio, strength training, and incessantly talking about CrossFit.

    CrossFit is a mix of cardio, strength training, and incessantly talking about CrossFit.

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    I can't wait to get back to not giving a crap about the Catholic Church.

    I can't wait to get back to not giving a crap about the Catholic Church.

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    I don't need pot to be hungry, lazy, and paranoid.

    I don't need pot to be hungry, lazy, and paranoid

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    I'd cheat on me too.

    I'd cheat on me too.

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    The common fundamental problem in all my relationships has been me.

    The common fundamental problem in all my relationships has been me

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    Your taste in music has me worried about getting stuck in traffic together.

    Your taste in music has me worried about getting stuck in traffic together

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    I don't consider a good deed complete until I've tried letting everyone on earth know about it.

    I don't consider a good deed complete until I've tried letting everyone on earth know about it

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    I get all my recipes from the Food Network and all my food from Seamless.

    I get all my recipes from the Food Network and all my food from Seamless.

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    Without my accent I am nothing.

    Without my accent I am nothing

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    I want to marry someone Jewish for reasons I can no longer recall.

    I want to marry someone Jewish for reasons I can no longer recall

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    I hope I die doing what I love, looking down at my phone while walking into traffic.

    I hope I die doing what I love, looking down at my phone while walking into traffic.

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    I'm concerned my workouts have become tailored more to not dying than to getting laid.

    I'm concerned my workouts have become tailored more to not dying than to getting laid

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    I'd like to live in a world where people only honked if they were horny.

    I'd like to live in a world where people only honked if they were horny

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