I can no longer handle even the lightest reading in existence
I've overcome my fear of Friday the 13th since I don't think my luck can conceivably get any worse
Rather than go on a diet, I'm hoping to get some sort of horrible stomach ailment
I'm concerned my workouts have become tailored more to not dying than to getting laid
Deleting my browser history almost makes me feel like I never cyberstalked you in the first place
Loathing my hometown won't stop me from bragging about celebrities from there
I'd have a nicer ass if I didn't feel so lame doing the exercises that improve asses
My decreasing libido is dovetailing nicely with my increasingly disgusting appearance
I'd like to live in a world where people only honked if they were horny
I find nothing suspicious about concealing my birth year on Facebook
I wish people would thank me for wiping my sweat off machines at the gym
Spending a day on Facebook has once again fooled me into believing I have an actual social life
It's crucial that the produce I buy and eventually discard comes from the local farmer's market
I may start using emoticons
I'd rather not get involved with someone who's available
I overcompensate for reasons unrelated to my height
I'm tense because I have too much recorded TV to watch
My high school yearbook quote contained lyrics from a classic rock band