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    Based on the words my autocorrect has picked up from me, I'm going to be a terrible parent.

    Based on the words my autocorrect has picked up from me, I'm going to be a terrible parent.

  •  

    What I love most about children is they're never mine.

    What I love most about children is they're never mine.

  •  

    Unless you discovered a dead body, I don't want to hear about your morning jog.

    Unless you discovered a dead body, I don't want to hear about your morning jog.

  •  

    I hope I die doing what I love, looking down at my phone while walking into traffic.

    I hope I die doing what I love, looking down at my phone while walking into traffic.

  •  

    I complete me.

    I complete me.

  •  

    I wish I could outsource my exercise.

    I wish I could outsource my exercise.

  •  

    The closest I ever feel to God is when I'm making fun of religious people.

    The closest I ever feel to God is when I'm making fun of religious people.

  •  

    Everything I know about you I learned from Buzzfeed quizzes.

    Everything I know about you I learned from Buzzfeed quizzes.

  •  

    Just another friendly reminder that I'm not obsessing about you.

    Just another friendly reminder that I'm not obsessing about you.

  •  

    The hour we lose this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.

    The hour we lose this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.

  •  

    There's no easy way to tell you this but I've already seen the link you sent me.

    There's no easy way to tell you this but I've already seen the link you sent me.

  •  

    I'm so bored I almost checked my voicemail.

    I'm so bored I almost checked my voicemail.

  •  

    I'm too busy interacting with strangers on the internet to stay in touch with my friends.

    I'm too busy interacting with strangers on the internet to stay in touch with my friends.

  •  

    The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

    The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

  •  

    I love my children enough to not tell them I do on Facebook.

    I love my children enough to not tell them I do on Facebook.

  •  

    Your 1:02 minute Facebook movie was one minute too long to hold my attention.

    Your 1:02 minute Facebook movie was one minute too long to hold my attention.

  •  

    I don't even want to watch my own Facebook movie.

    I don't even want to watch my own Facebook movie.

  •  

    It makes me proud that we can come together as a nation to try and deport a 19-year-old Canadian pop star.

    It makes me proud that we can come together as a nation to try and deport a 19-year-old Canadian pop star.

  •  

    I keep my PMS unnoticeable by remaining psychotic all the time.

    I keep my PMS unnoticeable by remaining psychotic all the time.

  •  

    The most exercise I get is briefly sucking in my gut whenever I catch my reflection in the mirror.

    The most exercise I get is briefly sucking in my gut whenever I catch my reflection in the mirror.

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