Congratulations on your new job that you probably won't like any better.
Congratulations on not having bedbugs despite the high turnover rate of people entering your bed.
Congratulations on running a marathon without having to stop for a heart attack.
Congratulations on probably not dying alone.
Congratulations on never having to go back to Hebrew School.
Congratulations on not getting me pregnant.
Congratulations on defying marriage statistics.
Congratulations on the anniversary of your horrific alcoholic bottom.
Congratulations on being that fat and still alive.
Congratulations on finding your balls again.
May your most recently devised subterfuge fool a suitable mate into loving who you claim to be.
Congratulations on the upcoming celebration of your inherent ability to ignore red flags.
Congratulations on your 35th minute anniversary of being clean and sober.
The secret to a successful marriage is to let other people do it.
Congratulations on your fifteen minutes of still not being famous.
Congratulations on finding another web-based outlet for your consuming narcissism.
Congratulations on your adequate severance package.
![[UPDATED] 31 unintentionally offensive test answers from young children.](http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/images/feed_assets/4e1dc1c5aa37f_m4e1de248b5159.jpg)
![[UPDATED] 20 yearbook quotes and photos that don't bode well for our future.](http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/images/feed_assets/4e15499c2e0cd_m4e1b1a0a2ade0.jpg)
