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    May I be the first to congratulate me for being the first to congratulate you on your recent accomplishment.

    May I be the first to congratulate me for being the first to congratulate you on your recent accomplishment.

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    Congratulations on being even more annoying than your phone's ringtone.

    Congratulations on being even more annoying than your phone's ringtone.

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    Congratulations on finding your true calling.

    Congratulations on finding your true calling

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    Congratulations on the anniversary of your horrific alcoholic bottom.

    Congratulations on the anniversary of your horrific alcoholic bottom

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    Congratulations on losing, gaining, and losing weight.

    Congratulations on losing, gaining, and losing weight

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    Congratulations on successfully performing a basic task of life which the rest of the world performs daily and without expectation of praise.

    Congratulations on successfully performing a basic task of life which the rest of the world performs daily and without expectation of praise.

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    May your most recently devised subterfuge fool a suitable mate into loving who you claim to be.

    May your most recently devised subterfuge fool a suitable mate into loving who you claim to be.

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    Congratulations on finding your balls again.

    Congratulations on finding your balls again.

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    The secret to a successful marriage is to let other people do it.

    The secret to a successful marriage is to let other people do it.

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    Congratulations on your fifteen minutes of still not being famous.

    Congratulations on your fifteen minutes of still not being famous.

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    Let's celebrate that you're out of the doghouse in hopes that the celebration doesn't get you back into the doghouse.

    Let's celebrate that you're out of the doghouse in hopes that the celebration doesn't get you back into the doghouse.

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    Congratulations on being in a relationship with someone who doesn't realize they're in a relationship.

    Congratulations on being in a relationship with someone who doesn't realize they're in a relationship.

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    Congratulations to Kim Kardashian on having sex that possibly wasn't filmed.

    Congratulations to Kim Kardashian on having sex that possibly wasn't filmed.

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    Congratulations on doing what we pay you to do.

    Congratulations on doing what we pay you to do.

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    Congratulations on finally accruing the vacation time you've already used.

    Congratulations on finally accruing the vacation time you've already used.

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    Provided your success is short-lived, I believe our friendship will survive.

    Provided your success is short-lived, I believe our friendship will survive.

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    Congratulations on being that fat and still alive.

    Congratulations on being that fat and still alive.

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    Congratulations on the nose job you're about to insist you didn't have.

    Congratulations on the nose job you're about to insist you didn't have.

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    Congratulations on avoiding jury duty via shameless faux bigotry or insanity.

    Congratulations on avoiding jury duty via shameless faux bigotry or insanity

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    Congratulations on deciding what to wear.

    Congratulations on deciding what to wear

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