


Congratulations on sleeping with the same person for the rest of eternity

Congratulations on running a marathon without having to stop for a heart attack

Congratulations on marrying the next person you dated after me

Congratulations on not making enough money to be considered for layoffs

Congratulations on being justified in your paranoia about being laid off

Congratulations on being the last person in the galaxy without a cell phone

Congratulations on temporarily finding the love of your life

Congratulations on losing the weight we were all pretending you didn't need to lose

Congratulations on providing the worst customer service experience of my life

Congratulations on your new job that you probably won't like any better