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    Congratulations on marrying the next person you dated after me.

    Congratulations on marrying the next person you dated after me

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    Congratulations on completely blowing your first paycheck.

    Congratulations on completely blowing your first paycheck

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    Congratulations on remembering my name.

    Congratulations on remembering my name

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    Congratulations on still having most of your hair.

    Congratulations on still having most of your hair

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    Congratulations on not making enough money to be considered for layoffs.

    Congratulations on not making enough money to be considered for layoffs

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    Congratulations to Snooki on proving everything every girl's parents ever told them is wrong.

    Congratulations to Snooki on proving everything every girl's parents ever told them is wrong

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    Congratulations on having the same great idea as someone who successfully executed it.

    Congratulations on having the same great idea as someone who successfully executed it

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    Congratulations to Facebook on going public with all my private information.

    Congratulations to Facebook on going public with all my private information.

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    Congratulations on having job security during tough economic times by working in an industry that exploits people during tough economic times.

    Congratulations on having job security during tough economic times by working in an industry that exploits people during tough economic times

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    Congratulations on sleeping with the same person for the rest of eternity.

    Congratulations on sleeping with the same person for the rest of eternity

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    Congratulations on driving sober.

    Congratulations on driving sober

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    Congratulations on passing the bar exam in under five tries.

    Congratulations on passing the bar exam in under five tries

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    Congratulations on not having cancer.

    Congratulations on not having cancer

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    Congratulations on temporarily finding the love of your life.

    Congratulations on temporarily finding the love of your life

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    Congratulations on being the last person in the galaxy without a cell phone.

    Congratulations on being the last person in the galaxy without a cell phone

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    Congratulations on losing, gaining, and losing weight.

    Congratulations on losing, gaining, and losing weight

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    Congratulations on being justified in your paranoia about being laid off.

    Congratulations on being justified in your paranoia about being laid off

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    Congratulations on selling your screenplay and soul.

    Congratulations on selling your screenplay and soul

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    Congratulations on staying single.

    Congratulations on staying single

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    Congratulations on having an appropriately aged girlfriend.

    Congratulations on having an appropriately aged girlfriend

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