•  

    Congratulations on being responsible enough to sign up for health insurance at the last possible second.

    Congratulations on being responsible enough to sign up for health insurance at the last possible second.

  •  

    Congratulations to gay Arizonians on still being allowed to eat where people hate you.

    Congratulations to gay Arizonians on still being allowed to eat where people hate you.

  •  

    Congratulations to Jewish mothers on Adam Levine winning Sexiest Man Alive.

    Congratulations to Jewish mothers on Adam Levine winning Sexiest Man Alive.

  •  

    Congratulations on the exciting new freelance opportunity you've spun your unemployment as.

    Congratulations on the exciting new freelance opportunity you've spun your unemployment as.

  •  

    Congratulations on the nose job you're about to insist you didn't have.

    Congratulations on the nose job you're about to insist you didn't have.

  •  

    Congratulations on your extreme fad workout giving you the energy to sit at a computer for nine hours a day.

    Congratulations on your extreme fad workout giving you the energy to sit at a computer for nine hours a day.

  •  

    Provided your success is short-lived, I believe our friendship will survive.

    Provided your success is short-lived, I believe our friendship will survive.

  •  

    Congratulations on finally accruing the vacation time you've already used.

    Congratulations on finally accruing the vacation time you've already used.

  •  

    Congratulations on the anniversary of your long-term engagement.

    Congratulations on the anniversary of your long-term engagement.

  •  

    Congratulations to the royal baby on escaping the womb of a commoner.

    Congratulations to the royal baby on escaping the womb of a commoner.

  •  

    Congratulations on finally being able to afford your own place because your parents gave you the money.

    Congratulations on finally being able to afford your own place because your parents gave you the money.

  •  

    Glad you found a new place to never do the goddamn dishes.

    Glad you found a new place to never do the goddamn dishes.

  •  

    Congratulations on moving into something other than a treatment facility.

    Congratulations on moving into something other than a treatment facility.

  •  

    Congratulations on moving out of your parents’ basement at the same age they conceived you.

    Congratulations on moving out of your parents’ basement at the same age they conceived you.

  •  

    It must be exciting to know that your Tumblr will now be read by people who have never heard of Google.

    It must be exciting to know that your Tumblr will now be read by people who have never heard of Google.

  •  

    Congratulations on doing what we pay you to do.

    Congratulations on doing what we pay you to do.

  •  

    Congratulations to you and Venezuela on being rid of the insane, dominating men in your lives.

    Congratulations to you and Venezuela on being rid of the insane, dominating men in your lives.

  •  

    Congratulations to Kim Kardashian on having sex that possibly wasn't filmed.

    Congratulations to Kim Kardashian on having sex that possibly wasn't filmed.

  •  

    Congratulations on knowing better than the Director of the CIA to not put sensitive information in an email.

    Congratulations on knowing better than the Director of the CIA to not put sensitive information in an email.

  •  

    Congratulations to non-observant New York City Jews on finally finding a use for your menorah.

    Congratulations to non-observant New York City Jews on finally finding a use for your menorah.

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