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Let's celebrate that you're out of the doghouse in hopes that the celebration doesn't get you back into the doghouse.

Congratulations on your fifteen minutes of still not being famous.

Glad to hear your weight gain was due to pregnancy and not depression

Congratulations on your 35th minute anniversary of being clean and sober.

Congratulations on not having bedbugs despite the high turnover rate of people entering your bed

Congratulations on choosing a profile picture that doesn't qualify as softcore porn

Congratulations on the upcoming celebration of your inherent ability to ignore red flags.

The secret to a successful marriage is to let other people do it.

Congratulations on finding your balls again.

Congratulations on finding people who congratulate you on staying sober 24 hours

May your most recently devised subterfuge fool a suitable mate into loving who you claim to be.

May I be the first to congratulate me for being the first to congratulate you on your recent accomplishment.

Congratulations on being that fat and still alive.

Congratulations on successfully performing a basic task of life which the rest of the world performs daily and without expectation of praise.

Congratulations on finding another web-based outlet for your consuming narcissism.

Congratulations on having job security during tough economic times by working in an industry that exploits people during tough economic times

Congratulations on having just enough Facebook friends to appear popular, but not needy

Congratulations on losing the weight we were all pretending you didn't need to lose

Congratulations on not making enough money to be considered for layoffs

Congratulations on temporarily finding the love of your life

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