Congratulations on choosing a profile picture that doesn't qualify as softcore porn
Congratulations on finding people who congratulate you on staying sober 24 hours
Congratulations on having just enough Facebook friends to appear popular, but not needy
Congratulations on losing the weight we were all pretending you didn't need to lose
Congratulations on not making enough money to be considered for layoffs
Congratulations on temporarily finding the love of your life
Congratulations on being justified in your paranoia about being laid off
Congratulations on narrowly averting death while ogling a female pedestrian
Congratulations on running a marathon without having to stop for a heart attack
Congratulations on having the same great idea as someone who successfully executed it
Congratulations on the anniversary of your horrific alcoholic bottom
Congratulations on avoiding jury duty via shameless faux bigotry or insanity
