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  • May. 18th, 2007

    I think of you every time I browse my cell phone on the toilet.

    I think of you every time I browse my cell phone on the toilet.

  • Nov. 11th, 2010

    Let me know if sending you this ecard counts as calling you back.

    Let me know if sending you this ecard counts as calling you back.

  • Sep. 26th, 2011

    Your lack of current photos on Facebook has convinced me you're now fat.

    Your lack of current photos on Facebook has convinced me you're now fat.

  • Sep. 10th, 2011

    You have the awesome personality of someone much uglier than you.

    You have the awesome personality of someone much uglier than you.

  • Feb. 26th, 2009

    I'm one of the most discriminating sluts you'll meet.

    I'm one of the most discriminating sluts you'll meet.

  • Aug. 20th, 2007

    I can't remember if we're mad at each other.

    I can't remember if we're mad at each other.

  • Jan. 20th, 2008

    I'd like your permission to slightly exaggerate our friendship.

    I'd like your permission to slightly exaggerate our friendship.

  • Jan. 12th, 2008

    Just saying hi and wondering if that morning-after pill worked.

    Just saying hi and wondering if that morning-after pill worked.

  • Sep. 29th, 2007

    I still try to keep up with whether or not you're dead.

    I still try to keep up with whether or not you're dead.

  • Mar. 1st, 2008

    Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.

    Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.

  • Aug. 25th, 2007

    It's been a while.

    It's been a while.

  • Nov. 15th, 2007

    Let me know when you're available so I can make sure I'm busy.

    Let me know when you're available so I can make sure I'm busy.

  • Jul. 12th, 2007

    I occasionally wonder what you're up to these days.

    I occasionally wonder what you're up to these days.

  • Nov. 2nd, 2008

    I'm only saving your number so I know not to answer when you call.

    I'm only saving your number so I know not to answer when you call.

  • May. 13th, 2009

    You seriously have 5 seconds to defriend my ex.

    You seriously have 5 seconds to defriend my ex.

  • Sep. 7th, 2009

    I could have sworn I mentioned my propensity to violent, psychotic alcoholic blackouts when I introduced myself.

    I could have sworn I mentioned my propensity to violent, psychotic alcoholic blackouts when I introduced myself.

  • Jan. 9th, 2009

    Let's agree last night was a mistake, with the mutual knowledge it will happen again at some point.

    Let's agree last night was a mistake, with the mutual knowledge it will happen again at some point.

  • Mar. 28th, 2010

    The fact that you didn't defriend me after my last status makes me wonder if you have me hidden from your news feed.

    The fact that you didn't defriend me after my last status makes me wonder if you have me hidden from your news feed.

  • Nov. 25th, 2010

    I hope you didn't confuse my holiday mass text with genuine concern for your well-being.

    I hope you didn't confuse my holiday mass text with genuine concern for your well-being.

  • Mar. 8th, 2010

    I'd love for us to hang out and catch up once I'm absolutely sure I'm doing better than you.

    I'd love for us to hang out and catch up once I'm absolutely sure I'm doing better than you.

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