May. 18th, 2007
I think of you every time I browse my cell phone on the toilet.
Nov. 11th, 2010
Let me know if sending you this ecard counts as calling you back.
Sep. 26th, 2011
Your lack of current photos on Facebook has convinced me you're now fat.
Sep. 10th, 2011
You have the awesome personality of someone much uglier than you.
Feb. 26th, 2009
I'm one of the most discriminating sluts you'll meet.
Aug. 20th, 2007
I can't remember if we're mad at each other.
Jan. 20th, 2008
I'd like your permission to slightly exaggerate our friendship.
Jan. 12th, 2008
Just saying hi and wondering if that morning-after pill worked.
Sep. 29th, 2007
I still try to keep up with whether or not you're dead.
Mar. 1st, 2008
Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.
Aug. 25th, 2007
It's been a while.
Nov. 15th, 2007
Let me know when you're available so I can make sure I'm busy.
Jul. 12th, 2007
I occasionally wonder what you're up to these days.
Nov. 2nd, 2008
I'm only saving your number so I know not to answer when you call.
May. 13th, 2009
You seriously have 5 seconds to defriend my ex.
Sep. 7th, 2009
I could have sworn I mentioned my propensity to violent, psychotic alcoholic blackouts when I introduced myself.
Jan. 9th, 2009
Let's agree last night was a mistake, with the mutual knowledge it will happen again at some point.
Mar. 28th, 2010
The fact that you didn't defriend me after my last status makes me wonder if you have me hidden from your news feed.
Nov. 25th, 2010
I hope you didn't confuse my holiday mass text with genuine concern for your well-being.
Mar. 8th, 2010
I'd love for us to hang out and catch up once I'm absolutely sure I'm doing better than you.