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  • Sep. 26th, 2011

    Your lack of current photos on Facebook has convinced me you're now fat.

    Your lack of current photos on Facebook has convinced me you're now fat.

  • Sep. 10th, 2011

    You have the awesome personality of someone much uglier than you.

    You have the awesome personality of someone much uglier than you.

  • Aug. 30th, 2011

    You only look fat when you're anywhere I can see you.

    You only look fat when you're anywhere I can see you.

  • Jul. 8th, 2011

    I'd like to include me in your will.

    I'd like to include me in your will.

  • Nov. 25th, 2010

    I hope you didn't confuse my holiday mass text with genuine concern for your well-being.

    I hope you didn't confuse my holiday mass text with genuine concern for your well-being.

  • Nov. 11th, 2010

    Let me know if sending you this ecard counts as calling you back.

    Let me know if sending you this ecard counts as calling you back.

  • Mar. 28th, 2010

    The fact that you didn't defriend me after my last status makes me wonder if you have me hidden from your news feed.

    The fact that you didn't defriend me after my last status makes me wonder if you have me hidden from your news feed.

  • Mar. 8th, 2010

    I'd love for us to hang out and catch up once I'm absolutely sure I'm doing better than you.

    I'd love for us to hang out and catch up once I'm absolutely sure I'm doing better than you.

  • Sep. 7th, 2009

    I could have sworn I mentioned my propensity to violent, psychotic alcoholic blackouts when I introduced myself.

    I could have sworn I mentioned my propensity to violent, psychotic alcoholic blackouts when I introduced myself.

  • May. 13th, 2009

    You seriously have 5 seconds to defriend my ex.

    You seriously have 5 seconds to defriend my ex.

  • Feb. 26th, 2009

    I'm one of the most discriminating sluts you'll meet.

    I'm one of the most discriminating sluts you'll meet.

  • Jan. 9th, 2009

    Let's agree last night was a mistake, with the mutual knowledge it will happen again at some point.

    Let's agree last night was a mistake, with the mutual knowledge it will happen again at some point.

  • Nov. 2nd, 2008

    I'm only saving your number so I know not to answer when you call.

    I'm only saving your number so I know not to answer when you call.

  • Nov. 7th, 2008

    Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank its Friday.

    Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank its Friday.

  • Jun. 3rd, 2008

    Glad we had a chance to talk today when you accidentally called my number.

    Glad we had a chance to talk today when you accidentally called my number.

  • May. 11th, 2008

    Just an FYI that my Facebook friend tally has recently skyrocketed.

    Just an FYI that my Facebook friend tally has recently skyrocketed.

  • Apr. 27th, 2008

    I'm honored to be the latest addition to your bcc: friend list.

    I'm honored to be the latest addition to your bcc: friend list.

  • Mar. 30th, 2008

    Just wanted you to know I'm new to the neighborhood and required by law to tell you that.

    Just wanted you to know I'm new to the neighborhood and required by law to tell you that.

  • Mar. 9th, 2008

    Really great meeting you but I'm currently not in the market for new friends.

    Really great meeting you but I'm currently not in the market for new friends.

  • Mar. 1st, 2008

    Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.

    Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.

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