Sep. 26th, 2011
Your lack of current photos on Facebook has convinced me you're now fat.
Sep. 10th, 2011
You have the awesome personality of someone much uglier than you.
Aug. 30th, 2011
You only look fat when you're anywhere I can see you.
Jul. 8th, 2011
I'd like to include me in your will.
Nov. 25th, 2010
I hope you didn't confuse my holiday mass text with genuine concern for your well-being.
Nov. 11th, 2010
Let me know if sending you this ecard counts as calling you back.
Mar. 28th, 2010
The fact that you didn't defriend me after my last status makes me wonder if you have me hidden from your news feed.
Mar. 8th, 2010
I'd love for us to hang out and catch up once I'm absolutely sure I'm doing better than you.
Sep. 7th, 2009
I could have sworn I mentioned my propensity to violent, psychotic alcoholic blackouts when I introduced myself.
May. 13th, 2009
You seriously have 5 seconds to defriend my ex.
Feb. 26th, 2009
I'm one of the most discriminating sluts you'll meet.
Jan. 9th, 2009
Let's agree last night was a mistake, with the mutual knowledge it will happen again at some point.
Nov. 2nd, 2008
I'm only saving your number so I know not to answer when you call.
Nov. 7th, 2008
Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank its Friday.
Jun. 3rd, 2008
Glad we had a chance to talk today when you accidentally called my number.
May. 11th, 2008
Just an FYI that my Facebook friend tally has recently skyrocketed.
Apr. 27th, 2008
I'm honored to be the latest addition to your bcc: friend list.
Mar. 30th, 2008
Just wanted you to know I'm new to the neighborhood and required by law to tell you that.
Mar. 9th, 2008
Really great meeting you but I'm currently not in the market for new friends.
Mar. 1st, 2008
Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.