No one understands my work, including me.
The smell of fresh country air makes me want to jump off a cliff.
I even postpone procrastination.
I need a girl that isn't shallow and has huge tits.
The entire Internet is no longer mildly satisfying enough to get me through the workday.
I simply cannot summon the strength to stop watching Goodfellas once it's started.
My flamboyant attire picks up where my parents left off.
By the time you get this card, I won't remember sending it.
I miss the days when my life was dysfunctional in a way that others found merely humorous.
From the moment I first saw you, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
Someone should install a breathalyzer on Facebook.
I've become soul-crushingly good at cooking for one.
I'm pretty sure that fine line between recreational use and addiction is the one I just snorted.
I can't even get felt up by a TSA agent.
They can have my junk when they pry it out of my cold dead hands.
All I've had for breakfast is coffee and Plan B.
You can't truly loathe someone else until you learn to loathe yourself.
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