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I hope I get a big enough tax return to support the drinking habit I've formed from filing taxes.

When I die, I hope I'll be doing nothing, so people could say that at least I died doing what I love.

It would be great if you would schedule your social events around my mood swings.

With my new diet I'm hoping to reach my original weight of 6lbs 7ozs.

Rampant porn use has left my computer and soul in ruins

I'd blow a pharmacist for 2 mg of Klonopin

I wish I'd known more about cell phone radiation before I took all those pictures of my genitals

This Light Never Turns Green

My agonizingly trivial Twitter updates only confirm the bone-chilling hollowness of my existence

I want to meet someone and fall in love without getting up

My plan is to travel the world in a panda suit

I just hope I'm shot in the head before the world discovers my extensive porn collection

I'll be publicly sobbing for the next few weeks

I feel trapped in a relationship with myself

Yep, I'm essentially just repeating the same destructive patterns

I almost bought a cell phone cover today

I shat where I eat

My ex changed his online profile status to "single"

I'm perfectly comfortable going nowhere in life

I'm mentally ill enough to think I don't need therapy

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