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  •  

    I hope I get a big enough tax return to support the drinking habit I've formed from filing taxes.

    I hope I get a big enough tax return to support the drinking habit I've formed from filing taxes.

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    When I die, I hope I'll be doing nothing, so people could say that at least I died doing what I love.

    When I die, I hope I'll be doing nothing, so people could say that at least I died doing what I love.

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    It would be great if you would schedule your social events around my mood swings.

    It would be great if you would schedule your social events around my mood swings.

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    With my new diet I'm hoping to reach my original weight of 6lbs 7ozs.

    With my new diet I'm hoping to reach my original weight of 6lbs 7ozs.

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    Rampant porn use has left my computer and soul in ruins.

    Rampant porn use has left my computer and soul in ruins

  •  

    I'd blow a pharmacist for 2 mg of Klonopin.

    I'd blow a pharmacist for 2 mg of Klonopin

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    I wish I'd known more about cell phone radiation before I took all those pictures of my genitals.

    I wish I'd known more about cell phone radiation before I took all those pictures of my genitals

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    This Light Never Turns Green.

    This Light Never Turns Green

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    My agonizingly trivial Twitter updates only confirm the bone-chilling hollowness of my existence.

    My agonizingly trivial Twitter updates only confirm the bone-chilling hollowness of my existence

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    I want to meet someone and fall in love without getting up.

    I want to meet someone and fall in love without getting up

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    My plan is to travel the world in a panda suit.

    My plan is to travel the world in a panda suit

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    I just hope I'm shot in the head before the world discovers my extensive porn collection.

    I just hope I'm shot in the head before the world discovers my extensive porn collection

  •  

    I'll be publicly sobbing for the next few weeks.

    I'll be publicly sobbing for the next few weeks

  •  

    I feel trapped in a relationship with myself.

    I feel trapped in a relationship with myself

  •  

    Yep, I'm essentially just repeating the same destructive patterns.

    Yep, I'm essentially just repeating the same destructive patterns

  •  

    I almost bought a cell phone cover today.

    I almost bought a cell phone cover today

  •  

    I shat where I eat.

    I shat where I eat

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    My ex changed his online profile status to 'single'.

    My ex changed his online profile status to "single"

  •  

    I'm perfectly comfortable going nowhere in life.

    I'm perfectly comfortable going nowhere in life

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    I'm mentally ill enough to think I don't need therapy.

    I'm mentally ill enough to think I don't need therapy

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