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    Please tell me less about yourself.

    Please tell me less about yourself.

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    Join me in a brief moment of silence for my dignity before this weekend gets started.

    Join me in a brief moment of silence for my dignity before this weekend gets started.

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    My main form of exercise is walking my plate back to the kitchen.

    My main form of exercise is walking my plate back to the kitchen.

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    It's such a pity that the people who love me for who I am are always ugly.

    It's such a pity that the people who love me for who I am are always ugly.

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    I can't believe I work this hard to be this poor.

    I can't believe I work this hard to be this poor.

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    Sorry your cell phone battery died and you had to talk to the friends you were with.

    Sorry your cell phone battery died and you had to talk to the friends you were with.

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    I'm uncomfortable even in my comfort zone.

    I'm uncomfortable even in my comfort zone.

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    I thought for sure I'd have a sexless marriage of convenience by now.

    I thought for sure I'd have a sexless marriage of convenience by now.

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    I only go online once a day, for around 24 hours.

    I only go online once a day, for around 24 hours.

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    You know you're bored when you Facebook stalk yourself.

    You know you're bored when you Facebook stalk yourself.

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    I look forward to paying off all of my debt, and finally getting back to just being broke.

    I look forward to paying off all of my debt, and finally getting back to just being broke.

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    I'm not afraid of failing which is why I do it all the time.

    I'm not afraid of failing which is why I do it all the time.

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    Facebook constantly reminds me that people uglier than me are getting engaged.

    Facebook constantly reminds me that people uglier than me are getting engaged.

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    I have the same expectations for men as I do for Mondays.

    I have the same expectations for men as I do for Mondays.

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    If my life were a movie let's see what else is on.

    If my life were a movie let's see what else is on.

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    I just want someone who treats me the way I delusionally think I deserve to be treated.

    I just want someone who treats me the way I delusionally think I deserve to be treated.

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    I hope I get a big enough tax return to support the drinking habit I've formed from filing taxes.

    I hope I get a big enough tax return to support the drinking habit I've formed from filing taxes.

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    I hate everything almost as much as I hate myself.

    I hate everything almost as much as I hate myself.

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    I miss the days when my life was dysfunctional in a way that others found merely humorous.

    I miss the days when my life was dysfunctional in a way that others found merely humorous.

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    I was almost hoping that the pregnancy test I took would show up positive so there would be an explanation for my recent weight gain.

    I was almost hoping that the pregnancy test I took would show up positive so there would be an explanation for my recent weight gain.

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