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I'd rather die by firing squad than by vuvuzela

The entire Internet is no longer mildly satisfying enough to get me through the workday

I can't believe there are so many privacy risks involved in broadcasting my entire life on Facebook

I'd consider going out tonight if I wasn't so tired from thinking about how to get out of going out tonight

I need to know you've kept me visible in your Facebook News Feed

I'd like to borrow your dog to meet women who may plausibly believe I can care for something other than myself

Please change everything about me

Filling out my online dating profile is a chilling reminder of how little I have to offer a companion

At least closing those Netflix pop-under ads gives me something to do

My therapist and will to live are gone until September

I'm hoping for a Facebook application that helps me relearn conversation skills

I seek geographic solutions to deep-seated emotional problems

My agonizingly trivial Twitter updates only confirm the bone-chilling hollowness of my existence

I'm holding out for a dating site that caters to people who are undatable

Not having any loved ones has really freed up my time

My social skills are eerily similar to those of notorious homicidal maniacs

I wish there was a social networking site where everyone would leave me the fuck alone

I don't have time for a relationship because I'm too busy analyzing why I'm not in one

My favorite place to eat in my neighborhood is my sofa

I have enough free time for DVD commentary

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