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    May you wake up New Year's Day underneath a man instead of a pile of women's magazines.

    May you wake up New Year's Day underneath a man instead of a pile of women's magazines

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    In lieu of gifts this Hanukkah, I'm asking for better JDate results.

    In lieu of gifts this Hanukkah, I'm asking for better JDate results

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    May you never let the crumbling economy get in the way of fulfilling my Christmas list.

    May you never let the crumbling economy get in the way of fulfilling my Christmas list

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    I deeply respect your spending more on a Christmas gift for your dog than on all your family members combined.

    I deeply respect your spending more on a Christmas gift for your dog than on all your family members combined

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    Happy Holidays to someone I pray I don't regret contacting as soon as the eggnog is out of my system.

    Happy Holidays to someone I pray I don't regret contacting as soon as the eggnog is out of my system

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    May your shameful behavior at the office holiday party not follow you throughout the remainder of your career.

    May your shameful behavior at the office holiday party not follow you throughout the remainder of your career

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    Happy Holidays and Peace on Earth to someone whose talent for vicious gossip has made my life all the richer.

    Happy Holidays and Peace on Earth to someone whose talent for vicious gossip has made my life all the richer

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    Sorry an ill-timed chemical peel has forced you into seclusion for the bulk of the holiday season.

    Sorry an ill-timed chemical peel has forced you into seclusion for the bulk of the holiday season

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    I hope spending the holidays in a part of the country where almost everyone is obese will help put your recent three-pound weight gain in perspective.

    I hope spending the holidays in a part of the country where almost everyone is obese will help put your recent three-pound weight gain in perspective

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    Sorry your boyfriend's year-end bonus being cut by three-quarters has made you 75% less attracted to him.

    Sorry your boyfriend's year-end bonus being cut by three-quarters has made you 75% less attracted to him

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