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    This Earth Day, I'll be doing my part for zero population growth by continuing to never get laid.

    This Earth Day, I'll be doing my part for zero population growth by continuing to never get laid

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    I wish more people cared about Earth as much as they cared about who they believe created it.

    I wish more people cared about Earth as much as they cared about who they believe created it

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    I'm doing my part to save the planet by occasionally using method hand soap.

    I'm doing my part to save the planet by occasionally using method hand soap

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    Let's hope celebrating Earth Day will convince Earth to stop trying to kill us for one day.

    Let's hope celebrating Earth Day will convince Earth to stop trying to kill us for one day

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    This Earth Day, help construct a giant ark that you will soon call home.

    This Earth Day, help construct a giant ark that you will soon call home

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    This Earth Day, gaze lovingly at an endangered species.

    This Earth Day, gaze lovingly at an endangered species

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    Let's do our part for Earth Day by continuing to only impact the outside world via email, Facebook, and Twitter.

    Let's do our part for Earth Day by continuing to only impact the outside world via email, Facebook, and Twitter

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    This Earth Day, sell all your winter gear.

    This Earth Day, sell all your winter gear

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    I'm reducing my carbon footprint by not flying due to a debilitating fear of sleepy air traffic controllers.

    I'm reducing my carbon footprint by not flying due to a debilitating fear of sleepy air traffic controllers

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    This Earth Day, take a break from being a selfish, gas-guzzling prick.

    This Earth Day, take a break from being a selfish, gas-guzzling prick

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    It's my goal to be environmentally conscious without sounding like a complete douchebag.

    It's my goal to be environmentally conscious without sounding like a complete douchebag

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    Carpe diem before the glaciers drown us.

    Carpe diem before the glaciers drown us

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    I'm finally getting used to going through all four seasons in one day.

    I'm finally getting used to going through all four seasons in one day

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    Sometimes I wish I could make love to the environment.

    Sometimes I wish I could make love to the environment

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    Happy Earth Day to someone who I'm fairly sure thinks global warming is a myth.

    Happy Earth Day to someone who I'm fairly sure thinks global warming is a myth

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    This is the day to appreciate all of god's creatures except annoying humans who love animals too much.

    This is the day to appreciate all of god's creatures except annoying humans who love animals too much

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    I'm recycling cans this Earth Day for the extra nickels to help pay for gas.

    I'm recycling cans this Earth Day for the extra nickels to help pay for gas

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    If you commit suicide today, try to use a method other than carbon monoxide asphyxiation.

    If you commit suicide today, try to use a method other than carbon monoxide asphyxiation

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    If we make love today, I promise not to flush the used condoms down the toilet.

    If we make love today, I promise not to flush the used condoms down the toilet

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    I'm helping improve the environment by shitting outdoors.

    I'm helping improve the environment by shitting outdoors

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