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    I wish I was resurrected from the dead on Sunday so I had an excuse for taking off work on Monday.

    I wish I was resurrected from the dead on Sunday so I had an excuse for taking off work on Monday

  •  

    It's too bad Ryan Gosling wasn't around to save Jesus.

    It's too bad Ryan Gosling wasn't around to save Jesus.

  •  

    Sorry people are more excited about the resurrection of Titanic than the resurrection of your Lord and Savior.

    Sorry people are more excited about the resurrection of Titanic than the resurrection of your Lord and Savior

  •  

    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date.

    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date

  •  

    Here's to Jesus and the Red Sox coming back from the dead this week.

    Here's to Jesus and the Red Sox coming back from the dead this week

  •  

    Let's celebrate the end of Lent by doing everything we pretended to give up for Lent.

    Let's celebrate the end of Lent by doing everything we pretended to give up for Lent

  •  

    Easter reminds me of how boring my death will probably be.

    Easter reminds me of how boring my death will probably be

  •  

    A real miracle would be Jesus turning water into less expensive gasoline.

    A real miracle would be Jesus turning water into less expensive gasoline

  •  

    I hope you have a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

    I hope you have a better Good Friday than Jesus did

  •  

    Satan doesn't even like you.

    Satan doesn't even like you.

  •  

    If not for Halloween, Easter would be my favorite zombie-related holiday.

    If not for Halloween, Easter would be my favorite zombie-related holiday.

  •  

    You're old enough to be told that the Easter Bunny and Jesus aren't real.

    You're old enough to be told that the Easter Bunny and Jesus aren't real

  •  

    Jesus regrets dying for you.

    Jesus regrets dying for you.

  •  

    Sorry I said TGIF on the anniversary of your god's son's violent execution.

    Sorry I said TGIF on the anniversary of your god's son's violent execution

  •  

    May this finally be the year your Messiah returns to earth.

    May this finally be the year your Messiah returns to earth

  •  

    It would take a lot more than 30 pieces of silver for me to betray you to murderous authorities unless we were in a major recession.

    It would take a lot more than 30 pieces of silver for me to betray you to murderous authorities unless we were in a major recession

  •  

    I ran out of tampons so I'm using a Peep.

    I ran out of tampons so I'm using a Peep.

  •  

    Let's just relax tonight and watch The Passion of the Christ.

    Let's just relax tonight and watch The Passion of the Christ

  •  

    There are few former carpenters I admire more than Jesus Christ and Harrison Ford.

    There are few former carpenters I admire more than Jesus Christ and Harrison Ford

  •  

    Sorry the fulfillment of the Lord's promise means I'm saved and you're not.

    Sorry the fulfillment of the Lord's promise means I'm saved and you're not

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