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    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date.

    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date

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    After Jesus, you're my second-favorite Jew.

    After Jesus, you're my second-favorite Jew

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    I hope you have a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

    I hope you have a better Good Friday than Jesus did

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    Drag a pagan to church this Easter.

    Drag a pagan to church this Easter

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    It would take a lot more than 30 pieces of silver for me to betray you to murderous authorities unless we were in a major recession.

    It would take a lot more than 30 pieces of silver for me to betray you to murderous authorities unless we were in a major recession

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    Easter may be the wrong time to tell my parents you're a Jew.

    Easter may be the wrong time to tell my parents you're a Jew

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    Let's celebrate the end of Lent by doing everything we pretended to give up for Lent.

    Let's celebrate the end of Lent by doing everything we pretended to give up for Lent

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    Let's resume everything we gave up for Lent without any newfound spiritual insights.

    Let's resume everything we gave up for Lent without any newfound spiritual insights

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    It's too bad Ryan Gosling wasn't around to save Jesus.

    It's too bad Ryan Gosling wasn't around to save Jesus.

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    Please join us for Easter dinner unless you've already committed to Satan.

    Please join us for Easter dinner unless you've already committed to Satan

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    May this finally be the year your Messiah returns to earth.

    May this finally be the year your Messiah returns to earth

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    Happy Easter from one lapsed Catholic to another.

    Happy Easter from one lapsed Catholic to another

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    Easter reminds me of how boring my death will probably be.

    Easter reminds me of how boring my death will probably be

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    I'd love to decorate Easter eggs with you or a slightly better artist.

    I'd love to decorate Easter eggs with you or a slightly better artist

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    I wish the resurrection of our lord and savior was deemed important enough for a day off work.

    I wish the resurrection of our lord and savior was deemed important enough for a day off work

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    The Easter Bunny still scares the living shit out of me.

    The Easter Bunny still scares the living shit out of me

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    Sorry people are more excited about the resurrection of Titanic than the resurrection of your Lord and Savior.

    Sorry people are more excited about the resurrection of Titanic than the resurrection of your Lord and Savior

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    Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross.

    Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross

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    I wish I was resurrected from the dead on Sunday so I had an excuse for taking off work on Monday.

    I wish I was resurrected from the dead on Sunday so I had an excuse for taking off work on Monday

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    Sorry the fulfillment of the Lord's promise means I'm saved and you're not.

    Sorry the fulfillment of the Lord's promise means I'm saved and you're not

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