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    You're old enough to be told that the Easter Bunny and Jesus aren't real.

    You're old enough to be told that the Easter Bunny and Jesus aren't real

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    There are few former carpenters I admire more than Jesus Christ and Harrison Ford.

    There are few former carpenters I admire more than Jesus Christ and Harrison Ford

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    Sorry I said TGIF on the anniversary of your god's son's violent execution.

    Sorry I said TGIF on the anniversary of your god's son's violent execution

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    Let's just relax tonight and watch The Passion of the Christ.

    Let's just relax tonight and watch The Passion of the Christ

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    A real miracle would be Jesus turning water into less expensive gasoline.

    A real miracle would be Jesus turning water into less expensive gasoline

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    Here's to Jesus and the Red Sox coming back from the dead this week.

    Here's to Jesus and the Red Sox coming back from the dead this week

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    Jesus regrets dying for you.

    Jesus regrets dying for you.

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    I ran out of tampons so I'm using a Peep.

    I ran out of tampons so I'm using a Peep.

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    If not for Halloween, Easter would be my favorite zombie-related holiday.

    If not for Halloween, Easter would be my favorite zombie-related holiday.

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    Satan doesn't even like you.

    Satan doesn't even like you.

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